I’m going to start this entry by asking you to take a deep breath. You are not likely going to like what you read here. However with an open mind, what I’m about to say will make sense. If you are coming out of a relationship that lasted for six months or more, you should not go on another date for at least six months.

Joking aside, people are not often happy with me when I make this statement. The typical question is “how will I meet a potential partner if I don’t date?” This is a fair question, but it signifies that finding a partner should be on a short timeline. Finding a good, solid relationship will likely take time, so patience is key.

I do not ask people to wait for six months to a year just to torment people. It’s not just a challenge to see if you can hold out for this period of time. After you leave a relationship, you are emotionally charged from the experience and person who you just left. This does not promote solid decision-making in a potential new partner. Shortly after a relationship ends, people are often lonely. Therefore they will go from person-to-person to deal with the negative feeling of loneliness. When being in a relationship for a period of time, it is difficult to remember that it isn’t always the best idea to deal with negative feelings by distracting yourself with new, exciting people. Distraction has its benefits, but distract yourself with people who you can trust, and learn to deal with your own feelings of loneliness, rather than drown them in dates and sex. If your previous relationship ended because of a poor sex life, then you are more likely going to seek out dates for good sex. This will not typically turn into a long-term partnership.

To give yourself the best chance at making your next relationship successful, giving yourself time to grieve over your recent break up can help. You will make less emotional decisions in regards to new partners. There will be no desperate attempts at using dating to overcome loneliness. This will allow you to enjoy the dates that you have for what they are. You can experience the fun of meeting new people, but without feeling rushed to establish a new relationship.

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We live fast-paced lives. We work demanding jobs, which we have to balance with our relationships and hobbies outside of work. Do you give yourself time each day to do nothing at all? Taking time to appreciate idle times is an underestimated skill. However if you learn to notice what you usually do not pay attention to, you are less likely to spend time later in your life regretting what you let pass you by.

Boredom is largely a perception. Proof of this lies in research conducted on trends of people who have lived in extreme environments. For these individuals there are noticeable life changes that these people experience. People who have lived in the Arctic for an extended period of time, will return to their previous lives, but actually want to return to visit the Arctic. They will site that they initially experienced extreme boredom, but learned to appreciate their idle time in the long run. It also helps these people relearn the skill of noticing what they did not previously appreciate. These people return from an environment that is so extreme that there are times where they can’t leave their homes. People in such a setting have to learn to be content doing little to nothing at all. This is a skill that not many recognize as important, but for these individuals, they understand the importance of knowing how to avoid being over-stimulated and overwhelmed at all times. As a result, contentment rather than boredom is a more common outcome.

You do not have to go to the Arctic to learn how to deal with boredom. The best way to appreciate the under-appreciated is to give yourself time to appreciate these things. One of the reasons that these things often go unnoticed throughout each day is because there is not enough time that you have put aside to pay attention. If you think that you are not able to commit time to these unappreciated things in your life, then you need to establish boundaries other aspects of your life. You may need to let go of some other over-commitments in your life.

The next step is to use your senses to take notice of the “small things” in your life. Notice the lavender smell in spring, notice the color of flowers blooming in the summer. What is your favorite food and what about the taste do you like so much? Take time and listen to your favorite type of music, but not while you are doing other tasks. This will help to keep you grounded in a world that moves so fast.

We go through our busy lives and often forget about the small things. Because we are used to being over-stimulated, we often spend our downtime feeling bored. Remember to maintain boundaries with people that you are over-committing to, so that you have time to gain a perspective of the under-appreciated. Using your senses can also help to uncover what you forget to appreciate in your day-to-day life. With practice, you will be well on your way to learning how to change your perspective of boredom to a feeling of contentment.

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This week is National Anxiety and Depression awareness week. When we think of anxiety and depression, we tend to think of the most debilitating and extreme cases of these feelings. The truth is that these feelings impact thousands more on a daily basis. Many of these people do not even recognize that what they are feeling is not normal and that it is changeable. This article can help you to identify if you live with anxiety or depression, so that you can take the next step and do something about it.

Anxiety

Anxiety is a response to a feeling of not having control in our lives. We all experience anxious feelings at various times, and in its minor form, anxiety can help us motivate ourselves to get certain tasks completed. However in its most negative form, anxiety can be extremely debilitating. If you regularly do or experience any of the following, you may live with anxiety:

1. Avoid new social situations
2. Always in a hurry.
3. Do not start conversation for fear of sounding foolish.
4. Avoid certain places.
5. Have a repetitive thought that you can’t get rid of.
6. Lose sleep worrying about tomorrow.
7. Deal with panic attacks.
8. Don’t date to avoid intimacy.
9. Have angry outbursts.
10. Find it difficult to settle on a decisive decision.

Depression

Depression is often described as an anger turned inwards. However in its lesser forms, it is not necessarily as intense as anger, but more like an irritability towards yourself. Some minor forms of depression are experienced in relation to grief. However, there are times where this cycle becomes a way of life for people. You may be living with depression if you experience any of the following:

1. Frequently feel bored.
2. Pessimistic and sarcastic a majority of the time.
3. Do not want to go to work.
4. Find it difficult to concentrate.
5. Lack energy to accomplish things.
6. Sloppy, less detailed focus at work.
7. Irritable with others.
8. Do not engage in as much social activity as you once did.
9. Thought of harming yourself.
10. Deal with sleepless nights.

Many of the items on this list are symptoms that are commonly associated with depression and anxiety. However other items are those minor things that many people do throughout their daily lives, without recognizing that there is another way to live. If you are one of these people who identifies with items on these lists, but never thought of it as depression or anxiety, you may benefit from seeking out the help of a professional. Contact a therapist, psychologist, or a psychiatrist, and discuss these symptoms to determine if you may benefit from therapy or medication. Know that you can change your life, and feel content in a way that you never have before.

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While striving for contentment, people often will say that “if only things were different” they would be happier. When saying this, they likely are assuming that things would being better if they had more money, if they had a different job, if they lived somewhere else, or if they had a different partner. In its minor form, this type of thinking can help a person decide what they want, and help them to make a plan on how they are going to get it. In its excessive form, this type of thinking leaves people believing that the grass is always greener on the other side.

“If only” is a magical style of thinking. It is thinking that the world would be different if something in your life was different. This may or may not be the case. It is an assuming that you are the victim of a current negative reality, but in reality things are not likely all-negative or all-positive. It is highly unlikely that there is nothing positive happening in your day-to-day life . However, when we are caught up in this style of thinking, it is difficult for us to notice the positives in our lives, which leads us to become absorbed in negative thought patterns.

Another significant issue with this style of thinking is that it confuses wants and needs. When we are thinking “if only things were different” we are thinking that the missing thing in our lives is needed to progress. However, this is rarely the case. The missing things in our lives are things that we want, but in this scenario we are making them seem like they are needed to make us feel happy or even content. Having what we want can enhance a feeling, but will not create one. You create the feeling by how you think about what you want.

I recommend that you figure out what you want, and think if there is a way to get it without hurting yourself or anyone else. Look at it as something that you can use to enhance your life, and not something that will take away from your happiness if you do not get it. This is where you take a stance on how you are going to choose to perceive your own days. One way to do this is to take a positive daily inventory of the good aspects of your day. This can help to put this type of thinking back into perspective. As a result, you will be better able to see wants just as they are, appreciate what you currently have, and identify what it is that you want so that you can set future goals.

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All of us have people in our lives who we wish we did not have to deal with. Sometimes these are co-workers or even our supervisors. Sometimes they might even be family members or friends of our friends. No matter who they are or what it is that they do that you do not like, there is a way to deal with these people without feeling angry or hurting others. The following tips can help you deal with these people or their behaviors.

1. Act like you do not understand.
If you are dealing with someone who makes passive aggressive comments that are aimed at you, acting like you did not catch the comment may help. Many times these types of comments are used to get attention. If you do not oblige, they will likely stop or at least decrease.

2. Be careful when calling people on their behavior.
Passive-aggressive people do not like to be called on their behavior. However, because they have been passive about how they think and feel, it gives them an out to act like they do not know what you are talking about when confronting them. This can lead to frustration on your part. If you do decide to confront them, asking them questions, rather than accusing, may be the best approach. However expect and be prepared to except the explanations. This does allow you to show this person that you are highly suspect of the intent behind their behavior, which may prevent you from being the target in future. Whatever you do, do not show that you are frustrated.

3. Learn to laugh at yourself.
If a passive-aggressive comment is made about you, laugh about it and say “you’re probably right.” Again, if you do not give the response that this person was looking for, the behavior may decrease or even stop.

4. Reach out to this person.
This can be difficult to do to someone who is not acting in your best interest. When people are passive-aggressive, they are often unhappy in their own lives. Extending an invitation, or showing acceptance can help to decrease the thoughts of inadequacy that are the basis of the passive-aggressive behavior. In the least, it may keep you from being a future target.

5. Remember that others can’t control how you feel.
Remember that this person can’t make you feel anything. If you feel angry, ask yourself why you feel this way. Is it because you are hanging on to pride? Are you worried that others will think that person is right? Remind yourself that you can only feel as bad as you allow the other person to affect you.

6. Separate the person from the behavior.
If this is someone who you usually like and respect, remember that a whole person is not necessarily his/her behaviors. It will help you to deal with that person if you are not going into the situation feeling angry about their behavior and labeling that person as something that they are not.

7. Don’t reason with unreasonable thinking.
If a person is not willing to take responsibility for his/her behavior, do not push your agenda any further. This will only lead you to feel frustrated, which will likely show, and further encourage verbal attacks in the future.

This is a small list that will hopefully help you in dealing with the passive-aggressive behaviors of others. Although dealing with people who exhibit this behavior can be a challenge, it is not at all impossible. Remember to put your pride aside when dealing with passive-aggressive behavior, because that is usually what leads us to feel upset about the attacks. If you can do this, you will find that your work, home and family lives will greatly improve, because you will not feel the need to be on the defense of a behavior that can’t be confronted.

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One of the biggest mistakes people make early on in their recovery is underestimating the power of the group. Our culture is one that values personal independence and free will. This often leads us to overestimate our ability to handle a change in our lives even when with a group of others. For many, the group may not even suggest using, but a person in recovery will suddenly find themselves returning to past patterns of use.

Human beings are social creatures. Basic social psychology and sociological studies on groups show that people often change when they are with a group of people. Decisions are made differently, and we even have potential to lose touch of our values. In extreme situations, we can see violent events such as riots. On a smaller, more typical scale, however, people may change their individual decisions as to not cause problems in the group.

If you think about this in situations that are not related to alcohol or drugs, it can further help to illustrate group dynamics. Think about times when you thought about trying to lose weight, but went to dinner with friends, and gave up your diet plans. Maybe you planned on exercising more often, but you are asked by a couple of friends to go over to their house instead. Making decisions of whether or not to use can be similar, but even more intense than this when the drug is used in a social setting.

To overcome the group, I remind people to embrace their instinct to change their behavior when in a social setting. It is when people tell themselves that the group will not be a barrier that they often struggle the most. Accepting that social influence exists from the group is not weakness. If you recognize this, you can at least make a plan to deal with it, which is better than the alternative of underestimating and doing something that doesn’t fit with your goals.

The next step is to create a plan of how you can deal with the group. Without a plan, you will not know how to deal with social pressures as they arise. With a plan, you might not always succeed, but you will have something to amend to be more successful the next time you are confronted with this. Acceptance and planning are two of the biggest keys to making a major change.

In recovery, people often do not take social situations into consideration. This can lead to frustration or problems down the road when a person is trying to maintain sobriety. Rather than discount this pressure, it is better to accept it. Then you can create a plan on how you will go about overcoming social pressures in the future.

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When working with clients who have had a traumatic or undesirable past where they were victims of others, I have noticed that many of them will use anger as their primary motivator to reaching their goals. Some of them put a great deal of importance into being successful, but for the wrong reasons. Goal-setting is important for people to be successful in their lives. The issue for these people is not goal-setting itself, but the reasons behind the goals. If you are trying to reach goals to spite others, happiness will likely continue to elude you. On the other hand, if you learn about what you want, without using angry feelings to make your decisions, contentment could be well within your grasp.

Many times people use memories and frustrations from other people to motivate themselves to reach their goals. If this is your primary motive, your will likely continue to feel as though something is missing from your lives. This is likely because the motivation is primarily coming from an external source. If you are going to find contentment from what you want to achieve, it is because you have internally decided to reach this goal.

External motivators are not all bad. They often do promote us to achieve things and make decisions that are not necessarily harmful. The downside is that they are often made when we feel that our backs are against the wall. Internally based goals are typically made without the same pressure. These decisions tend to be more well thought out and not based on emotion alone. They are not made to seek the approval of others, nor to make others notice or feel anything in particular. These decisions are made for ourselves.

Therefore, in order to find contentment in  decisions, it is best to look within yourself and ask why you want what you want. When you understand this, you can get a better idea of what you are trying to accomplish and the reasons behind this. You can know what “needs” and “wants” you are trying to fulfill. This can help you with finding true contentment in your goals, rather than a temporary appeasement of anger and falling into a vindictive cycle where you are using your life as the pawn.

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A more modern and controversial viewpoint on substance abuse and addiction is moderation management. As a therapist and counselor, I have been asked about my viewpoint on this very topic. I hope this article can help to provide a well-rounded perspective on a controversial topic, and provide a forum to continue an open discussion on this issue.

Can a recovered addict moderate their usage of alcohol or drugs? There is not enough research to give a definitive “yes” or “no” regarding this, but it is a fact that some alcoholics who have been abstinent for many years have been able to drink in moderation. There are many unknowns, however. We don’t know how common occurs, or if it is more rare than common. Therefore, at this time, when people think about using alcohol after years of sobriety, my recommendation would almost always be that it is not worth the risk. I would ask the person “why?” Presumably part of being abstinent for this period of time is a realization that alcohol is not necessary for much at all in life, so why use now? This can help these individuals to determine if it is worth risking the hard work that earned them their sobriety.

One of the concerns that I have about moderation management is that it is not likely going to be under the supervision of an addiction professional. Typically the idea of trying moderation would come after a significant period of time of maintaining abstinence. For this reason, I am concerned that the individual may fall back into a period of denial should a significant problem arise. Even worse, this person would not be processing their thinking and problems with someone who can help them identify issues, if there are any.

At this time moderation is a treatment option when it is the only option. There are those who enter treatment to appease the courts, a judge, or an attorney. Many of these individuals are extremely defensive about the idea of abstinence from alcohol. Not all of them are addicted to it either. Some people who enter Outpatient Treatment for Alcohol have abused it for a period of time, but only because they did not recognize that their pattern of use was abusive. Many of these individuals are able to moderate their use of alcohol, without future problems, when educated about alcohol use, and what makes patterns maladaptive and why. Also, pushing the issue of lifelong abstinence will likely drive these people out of treatment or at least cut down on their level of commitment while in treatment, if they are not ready to consider abstaining. Therefore, teaching some moderation techniques can give them some strategies to use, which they may be open to listening to.

Moderation management is a relatively controversial concept in the treatment of substance abuse. Is it going to be the new wave of treatment strategies? Time will tell. Before this takes place, there needs to be more research to show its efficacy of use. Until that time, it should only be used with extreme caution and when there are no other alternatives.

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With another Friday the 13th having come and gone, people’s superstitious beliefs come into full display. It is on days like this that we will often hear from people about whether or not they think they are “lucky or unlucky”. Luck and superstition have efficacy for use in our lives. However if left to get out of control, the concept of luck can keep us from taking responsibility for our own destinies.

Many people believe in luck. Most of us also think that we, for the most part, create our own destinies. Good and bad things happen to people without them planning on this, but this is not necessarily related to luck. To believe in luck is to believe in fate, which in turn is saying that you are simply a player in a larger plan. This does not promote people taking responsibility for themselves and taking charge of their behavior. If the world already has a plan, and the plan isn’t in your favor, what’s the use?

When pointing this out to people, they will often ask how could I explain someone who had always been healthy, but is now dying. Why is it that someone who has worked hard his entire life loses the lottery to someone who is already rich? Isn’t this luck? If you are making the argument for luck, these are interesting points. However if we take a different perspective, didn’t these events just happen irregardless of the person who they happened to? If you don’t feel that you have any control over an undesirable destiny, you are much more likely to walk away with feelings of hopelessness and a sense of helplessness.

I understand why people believe in luck. It makes some sense that people use luck to help clarify some dissonance in their thinking about what is happening and what they think should be happening. To make sense of this, people use superstition to make sense of what isn’t fair. From an early age we are taught that the “world should be fair.” The idea of luck is deeply ingrained into our culture. There are figures of speech that we use that don’t necessarily even have to do with luck, such as wishing someone “good luck.” We are also taught lessons from an early age that reinforce the concept of luck, such as “good things happen to good people, turnabout is fair play, and what goes around, comes around.” Therefore when we are forced to come to the realization that bad things happen to good people, we can make sense of this by saying that this person was unlucky.

People would be much better served to think that everything is already how it should be and the world is not always fair. This is OK. In this unfair world are important lessons to be learned, which make us wiser. All-to-often, we hide behind the idea of luck to explain the unexplainable, rather than just except that it is just that–unexplainable. The most important aspect of any event in our lives is deciding what we do now with what we have, not what we could’ve had.

When you think of yourself as feeling unlucky, look at what you can change in your life. Is there something that you could modify so that your life would improve? Also look at what you can’t change in your life, and figure out how you are going to accept this and what you can learn from it. Although the concept of luck makes sense in that it helps us deal with the idea of fairness, it doesn’t necessarily help us reach our goals or feel better in the long run. You would be much better served looking at your life from the perspective that you can best control your own destiny, and you are going to have bumps in the road. Some of the bumps you will have created on your own, and others will appear out of nowhere for no reason at all.

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When people come into therapy, many times they are confused about why they do what they do. They know that it is not something that will help them reach their goals, but then they repeat the same behavior again. Typically when people ask themselves this question, it is because they are considering a change in their lives or they have done something that they regret. There are a few possible reasons for this. One is ambivalence about how you feel about the actual behavior. At times it may seem that you should change it, and then at other times you don’t care. Also, if you have difficulties understanding why you behave or react in a particular fashion, it is quite possible that you are not completely sure what you currently want. It can be difficult to see the end result of changing when you are caught up in the feelings of the moment, which also makes knowing what you want less clear. If you do not understand you thoughts about specific situations, you are not likely going to change your behavior in those same circumstances.

It is important to know what you want when you are trying to understand your behavior. It is shocking to hear how many people will strongly react in a situation, but when asked what it is they they want, they will say that they don’t know. If you are reacting, why are you reacting this way? You need to know two things to make a positive change in these situations. What do you want and how can you get this without causing harm onto others or yourself? This sounds more simplistic than it is. Especially when we are talking about something that is emotional for us. In these situations we get caught up in worrying about letting others down. We forget about ourselves and what we actually want from this. It is next to impossible to analyze and better understand your behavior without knowing these pieces of information. In order to help figure this out, I recommend utilizing a pencil and paper, and writing down ideally what you want. If you knew that no one was going to be upset with you, how would you handle this? How would you handle it if you were sure that someone was going to be upset with you? What are the benefits and drawbacks of both situations? If you can, leave the paper there for about 48 hours and return to it to see if you think any differently about the situation after some time passes. It should be less confusing. If it is still confusing, you can at least be more specific when you seek feedback from others in your life.

Many times we act on our feelings, but we don’t have a plan for each day. We react to today’s events, but don’t make a plan how to deal with tomorrow. If there is something in your life that you want to be different, you will be best served to make a plan to make this happen. Be sure to recognize that you can change the behavior that you are wanting to change. Even asking the the question “why do we do what we do?” seems to say that you are not confident in your ability to change or take control of this. Just know that with a good solid plan, you are much more likely to make a life-lasting change.

Sometimes we walk away confused about what we want for ourselves. We get caught up in the anger and frustration of not understanding this information, which leads us to react in a way that might not be the most desirable. In order to understand why we exhibit the behaviors that we do, we need to understand how we feel and what we want. We can then look at our situations and create a plan so that we can make a change for the positive in our lives, and take control of a behavior that has seemed out of our hands for so long. In other words, you likely have the tools to be able to understand why you do what you do. And if this is something that you want to change, you hopefully have another tool to work on that ever-elusive plan as well.

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