November 30, 2015

Finding Mr. “Right for You”

Phillip McCulley

Finding Mr. “Right for You”

If this was 1968, and you were reading about Mr. Right in a ‘zine rather than on your mobile electronic device, you might think of the line “Show me a happy homosexual and I’ll show you a gay corpse.” Fortunately, society’s acceptance of homosexuality has progressed along with our technology. There’s even an app for gay men to find their Mr. Right, conveniently called “MISTER,” to differentiate it from all the other one-word dating or hook-up apps for meeting other gay men. Ask and ye shall receive! Yet when today’s gay men encounter frustration over maintaining a lasting relationship, they start to feel like relationships between men “just don’t work.” However, there are over four million male couples in the United States who prove otherwise.So how can you become part of that comforting statistic?

Can’t find a candidate for Mr. Right?

Know Yourself.

Sit down and think about your dating habits. Are you a perfect angel who always ends up unluckily picking guys who are just jerks? Maybe, but try a little harder. Are there any patterns that appear in your past relationships that have to do with your behavior?

See what’s throwing a wrench in your dating life and try to work out the knots. Sometimes it’s hard to figure this out for yourself, but it may be something your friends have already picked up on. Just be prepared for what they might say when you decide to ask them! Speaking to a licensed therapist can also be beneficial, even if you don’t feel like you have any “big problems.” Being more aware of our thought associations, and underlying motivations, can help us live more productive and happy lives. Which brings us to…

Love Yourself.

As Ru Paul says: “If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you ever gonna’ love someone else?” Even though, thank goodness, we’re not going around quoting The Boys in the Band in our heads all the time, there’s still a lot of internalized (and sadly, also externalized) stigma about being gay.

Even though you know there’s nothing wrong with you, and you might not even have anyone directly in your life telling you there is, there are still mental scars or blocks caused by being “other.” You are not unlovable. So make sure your own inner voice never adds to those negative ones.

Get Yourself Out There!

“The man of your dreams is not going to knock on your door one night while you are watching television.” -Dr. Kenneth George

I’m sure we’ve all wished this would happen (or that Mr. Right would magically come out of the TV screen and materialize in our living room), but if wishes were fishes…. well, you get the idea. Stop making excuses for yourself. You are not too shy, too old, too skinny, too anything, to meet Mr. Right.

How do you keep Mr. Right?

So you’ve met this great guy, and you’re both totally into each other. You never want this to end. How do you build a relationship that lasts?

One reason male relationships disintegrate is because most men have never learned to fight, except to win. “Fighting to win” necessarily means the other person loses. When one of you loses, the relationship loses. Learning how to disagree constructively is a good place to start. So that next time you have an argument, one of you doesn’t decide to “solve” it by slamming the front door.

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