Being a Partner of Someone Who has a Compulsive Sexuality Problem
As someone who facilitates a group practice in Dallas that focuses heavily on helping people with addictions, I see the impact that addictions can have on family members and especially the partner of a sex addict. Sadly, partners of addicts often face a long road of being gaslit, blamed, criticized, and neglected in their relationships. Questions about self-worth can arise and sexuality can be impacted.
It’s common for partners of addicts to feel burdened and even responsible for making changes happen in partners who aren’t ready to change. In fact, this effort can lead people away from focusing on their own boundaries and needs.
You can’t make your partner change. You can only take care of yourself. Even if it means that you have to let your partner know you may need to walk away, it’s still up to your partner to make decisions on whether or not he/she/they is going to make a life change.
Boundaries
Partners have to be clear about their boundaries. However, it in order to do this, you have to first feel clear about your boundaries in your own mind, so that you can communicate them in your relationships. First, I recommend that you identify the deal breakers that would push you to leave the relationship. Think about this clearly and I suggest discussing your boundaries and concerns with a couple of close friends who are not necessarily close to your partner. I understand that this can be difficult, but there are reasons for this. When we are talking about the problems of someone that we love, the chances of us rationalizing the behavior greatly increase. Therefore, finding a more neutral party can help you sort through thoughts that you are having, many of which may be contradictory.
I also stress the importance of talking with more than one friend. If you talk to only one person, they may pick up on apprehension that you have regarding your own boundaries, and may answer in a way that does not help you set boundaries that would promote change. By speaking with more than one friend you’re more likely to come to some final conclusions about what decisions you need to make and feel more comfortable with them.
As you think about your boundaries, you may realize that you’ve been gaslit to believe that there was no problem at all or that you’re somehow responsible for this. If you’ve been gaslit, it can be difficult to identify your boundaries and needs. In these situations, I recommend you consider finding a therapist who is skilled in working with partners of addicts.
On the other hand, if you are clear about your boundaries, and your partner or spouse is not respecting them, then you need to inform your partner of them and follow through with the consequences of not respecting this. Set your expectations by naming what you’re going to do until the expectations are reached, along with timeframe that you’re going to allow for the goals to be reached.
Your partner may or may not change, but you have to be clear on your boundaries to promote change in your partners habits.
Work on the Self
Self-worth, self-belief, self-image, and self-esteem are all impacted by betrayal trauma. It can be really difficult to reorient to who you are. It can difficult to see yourself and treat yourself with kindness. Brené Brown defines self-kindness as talking to yourself as you would talk about someone you love. You also want to get empathetic support. People who will focus on understanding your perspective without judging. These are people who you can ask for support.
Reorienting
Life changes after a betrayal. Whether your relationship is the one for you, or you’re realizing you have to leave, things will be different. The relationship has different dynamics and goals. Individually, your perspective and goals can change as well.
There is a lot to reorient and ground to. Whether you’re remaining in your relationship or leaving, things have changed. This type of situation changes who you are. It changes your perspectives. It takes time to settle into new lives, relationships, and goals.
Many who’ve been cheated on have also been gaslit. Therefore it takes time to trust yourself and your instincts again. This means you have to reorient to your values and needs as well.
The key word here is trust. Identifying who, what, and
This will take time and practice. Learning about yourself and your relationships after there have been abrupt changes in your life. Focusing on some resources and things that help you deactivate. These are things that with practice, you’ll be able to deploy when you’re feeling overwhelmed.
Get Help
Finally, consider professional help if you are unsure of your boundaries, if your partner says that they are unreasonable, or if you are having difficulties coping with resentful feelings as a result of your partner’s problems.
If you’re in the Dallas area and you’re needing a therapist to help with your relationship and being a partner of a sex addict, please feel free to contact us.
