Is Lust the End of Your Relationship When the Passion has Fizzled?
[as always, some parts of this case are fabricated to protect client confidentiality].
Cory and Emily have been dating for two years. In the beginning, sex was easy for them. It was fun, they didn’t have to talk about it, and it happened organically. However, things started to change after they moved in together. At first, it felt exciting to share a home. They settled into their routine, enjoyed dinner together and just really loved each other’s company. Over time, the excitement was just not there anymore. Their jobs got more stressful and conversations were replaced with silent scrolling on their phones.
The frequency of their sex slowed down too. When they did finally make time for sex, it felt rushed and just not that great overall. Outside of sex, there was little time for touch and physical connection. This seemed OK for a while, but then it just stopped feeling like it was fine. Resentments started building over time, which would come out in arguments and even greater avoidance.
As time passed, the concern built. They wondered if they should even still be together. It’s not like they didn’t love each other. Quite the opposite. In fact, their care for each other was making it difficult to open up.
As a therapist who works with couples, this is a pretty common scenario. Life just happens and it makes it easier to overlook your partner’s needs. Sex was great… when you didn’t have to talk about it. But it can feel burdensome to have difficult and vulnerable conversations.
Some couples feel like these conversations can equal doom. I have to normalize these conversations because truthfully we should be having them all along. So if Emily and Cory sound familiar to you, you’re not alone at all. These situations are common.
For Cory and Emily, the road wasn’t an easy one. There were a lot of tense discussions and tears in the beginning. However, that stuff needed to come out and be shared. However, over time, their acceptance of each other grew and closeness actually grew while they learned more about each other’s road blocks and erotic needs. They didn’t end their therapy journey in a perfect place, but a place that they felt was connected and “good enough.”
When You Should (and Shouldn’t) Panic When Desire Lowers
When desire and passion fade, you can really get in your own head. You can wonder if you actually love each other, if you’re the right fit, or if it’s just easier to start over. People often assume that fading passion means your relationship is fading. However, if you look at the work of renowned therapists such as Esther Perel, you’ll see that it’s actually very normal for us to experience fading desire in our long-term relationships. I won’t get into the reasons why here, but just trust me that it’s the norm.
What can even make it worse is that it’s in these situations that people notice how much their partners are noticing other people. For example, you may not care much about your partner’s porn use until you feel neglected. Or you might notice your partner noticing someone else or even flirting. These things aren’t necessarily a reason to panic, but they are important to discuss.
There is a much riskier situation involving lust and you feeling it for someone, without acknowledging it, owning it, and making mindful choices around it. Unless you’re in a consensual, non-monogamous relationship that allows you to pursue other relationships, your feelings for someone else can be high-risk when you’re feeling neglected. If you’re not careful, you can slip into a situation that is obsessive, or is an affair or cheating situation.
These are the situations that give desire it’s more sinister monicker, “lust.” The truth is that it’s normal for passion to ebb, flow, and even fade. Desire and lust are normal experiences to have. And it’s not desire that is inherently a problem, it’s shame and silence combined with lust that tends to become dangerous.
Why Passion Naturally Changes Over Time
Early in relationships, love floods the brain with excitement. Touch, newness, and mystery make it so you’re excited to connect with this person. This is infatuation and it bonds you quickly and intensely, but this stage has a shelf life.
Pop culture sets us up with unrealistic expectations about how relationships should look. Not to sound cynical, but if you watch any romantic movies for example, you’re left with what we expect out of love. Closeness, warm feelings, excitement, and easy sexual connection. We rarely see true depictions of long-term relationships in movies. The ups and downs, the changes in passion, and the settling into routines are left out, which can leave you feeling like your relationship is struggling simply because it doesn’t have constant chemistry, limerence, and novelty.
Long-term relationships get more real. They move into deeper emotional intimacy, which doesn’t always look or feel like the early rush. If you’re not worried about it, then you’re probably already settled (and you didn’t likely get this far into this article). However, if you start comparing your relationship to others or even an earlier version of your own, negative feelings and resentment are likely to emerge. Fear, frustration, and insecurity can end up filling the gaps where closeness and excitement use to reside.
There’s something human about comparison. This is even truer in our social media-based ecosystem. It’s really hard to avoid comparing ourselves to others. Even though this shift is common, I see many couples mistake this common thing as a sign that they “aren’t meant to be.” In reality, this is the point where emotional closeness just starts to look different, which means they need to treat it differently. First, you have to identify your comparisons for what they are. Comparing your relationship to others’ relationships could mean that you’re lonely, bored, or transitioning in your life.
When you identify the problem, you can do something about it. You can explore the deeper reasons for your loneliness. Then you can get vulnerable with your partner about how they can be a helpful resource for you. In fact, many people develop even deeper, more meaningful connections out of the more complicated (and dare I say even painful) discussions they have with someone they trust deeply. The danger isn’t the shift itself. The danger is assuming the shift means there’s something inherently wrong and unworkable about your relationship.
Myths That Make Couples Worry They’ve Lost Something
One of the biggest reasons couples panic when passion shifts is because they’re measuring their relationship against myths that were never realistic to begin with. Instead of getting curious about what’s happening, you need to turn inward or start quietly scanning for what feels like it’s missing.
There are myths that can increase resentment and pull people away from self-reflection and away from each other. They make it harder to explore what’s happening inside you, and they distract from the real work of evolving together.
Here are some of the most common myths I hear in my therapy office:
Myth 1: Passion should stay spontaneous and effortless
Early relationship desire is fueled by novelty and chemistry. Long-term desire is fueled by intention, emotional safety, and engagement. When couples expect passion to run on autopilot forever, they miss the opportunity to learn how desire actually works over time.
Myth 2: If desire changes it means the relationship is failing
Desire changing does not mean love is fading. It means the relationship has moved into a different developmental stage. This shift is normal, but it requires new skills, new conversations, and a willingness to adapt.
Myth 3: Losing novelty means losing chemistry
Novelty fades. That part is unavoidable. But chemistry doesn’t disappear—it transforms. When couples confuse novelty with chemistry, they often chase excitement instead of building depth.
Myth 4: Routine kills attraction
Routine doesn’t kill desire on its own. Disengagement does. Routine can actually create stability and safety, which are powerful foundations for intimacy, especially when couples stay emotionally present with each other. It’s true that this can counter erotic desire, but it’s not necessarily an attraction killer.
Myth 5: Stress shouldn’t affect sex if the relationship is strong
Life gets busy. Stress impacts desire. That doesn’t mean something is wrong with you or your partner. It means your nervous system is overwhelmed. Ignoring this reality often leads to misinterpretation and blame.
Myth 6: Bodies should stay the same if attraction is real
Bodies change. Hormones shift. Energy levels fluctuate. Attraction in long-term relationships depends far more on emotional connection and communication than on maintaining a frozen version of your earlier selves.
Myth 7: Emotional safety isn’t sexy
In reality, emotional safety often becomes more important over time. Feeling understood, respected, and emotionally connected creates the conditions where desire can re-emerge in a sustainable way.
Your chemistry isn’t necessarily destined to fade with time, but it will evolve. When couples talk openly about what’s changing and develop intentional ways of staying connected, passion doesn’t disappear. It becomes more grounded, more resilient, and more real.
Lust Isn’t the Enemy. Denial Is.
I once heard a friend jokingly tell another friend, “after you’ve been together for 10 years, make sure you’re having a lot of sex… because you’re going to be noticing everyone else.” What she was saying was in jest, but there is something to this. You will notice other people. Whether it’s just someone else’s look or the attention or affection they give you, you’ll be attracted to other people at some point. Acknowledging this can be threatening to some, but it really shouldn’t be. When you acknowledge it, you can manage it.
One of the most harmful cultural messages about relationships is the idea that if you’re truly in love, you shouldn’t feel attracted to anyone else. This belief creates is responsible creating shame, which can set off a dangerous progression. The more shame you have, the more silent you’re likely going to be about your feelings. And you know what thrives in that silence? Affairs.
Here’s what’s true:
- You will notice other people for the rest of your life.
- You will feel desire at unexpected times.
- Your body will respond to things that surprise you.
This isn’t betrayal. It’s your brain and body signaling that it’s time to be open with yourself so that you can explore your feelings and identify your needs. This will make it so you can open up in your relationship.
When you believe desire is wrong or dangerous, you won’t talk about it. You’ll hide your attraction, even from yourself. This makes it so you don’t communicate your disconnection and you’ll bury your needs so deeply that you stop recognizing them.
This is the pattern I see over and over again in clients who’ve ended up in affairs:
- Passion fades.
- People fear the shift.
- They avoid uncomfortable conversations.
- They feel guilty for noticing others.
- They suppress desire instead of managing it.
- They become vulnerable to outside attention.
- They mistake novelty for meaning.
When you accept that desire is normal, you can manage it responsibly rather than get blindsided by it.
How to Keep Passion Alive When It Starts to Shift
You don’t reignite desire by forcing yourselves into the past. There’s no time machine that can bring you back to when you first met your partner. Instead, I recommend you get open and honest with yourself with the following strategies to navigate through this:
1. Talk honestly about desire—without shame or blame
Many couples avoid talking about sex until they’re in crisis. Don’t wait that long.
Ask each other:
- “What helps you feel wanted?”
- “What shuts you down or turns you off?”
- “What kind of intimacy are you craving lately?”
- “What feels different now compared to the beginning?”
This isn’t a complete list of what you should talk about. However, it can open up some lines of communication to help you get more of your needs met.
2. Accept that noticing other people is normal
“Of course I find other people attractive sometimes. That doesn’t have to threaten us. I just need to have boundaries.”
Couples who can acknowledge this tend to have:
- less secrecy
- less defensiveness
- more trust
- more realistic expectations
- healthier boundaries
When you remove shame from desire, it becomes something to understand, not fear.
3. Rebuild curiosity, not nostalgia
Trying to recreate early passion usually backfires. This can lead to disconnection and resentment. Trying to explore each other as you are now is what works.
You aren’t the same people you were at the beginning. Your desires aren’t the same either. This relationship isn’t new. That doesn’t have to be bad. You can get a lot of reliability from the established relationship.
However, that established relationship may lead to some boredom. Just remember you don’t know everything about your partner. There is still stuff you can discover. Curiosity revives intimacy far more effectively than trying to rewind time. Ask questions and look for the mysteries.
So When Is a Fizzling Sex Life a Warning Sign?
Here’s what I tell couples in therapy:
It’s not the fizzle that’s the problem. It’s the disengagement and disconnection.
Be concerned when you notice:
- resentment outweighing affection.
- no interest in physical closeness at all.
- withdrawal rather than conversation.
- secrecy or avoidance around desire.
- emotional distance becoming chronic.
- a sense of living parallel lives.
If these patterns are present, it doesn’t mean the relationship is over. It means it’s time to get support.
Passion changes and desire fluctuates. None of this means your relationship is broken or that you’ve chosen the wrong partner. These shifts are part of how long-term relationships work. We can get into trouble when we put too much meaning into the changes, rather than exploring them with curiosity and open communication.
Whether or not you and your partner thrive together depends on how you respond to these moments. If you and your partner are noticing these patterns (less passion, more confusion, more avoidance, or more fear around desire) therapy can give you a space to understand what’s actually happening beneath the surface.
With support, honesty, and intention, couples can rebuild a sexual connection that feels real, deeper, steadier, and more fulfilling.
If you’re in Dallas and looking for a therapist to help with sex and relationships, feel free to contact us today.
