Breaking Open Sexual Scripts to Reach Your Sexual Goals
There are countless scripts that we learn about sex and relationships. When these scripts align with your erotic template and the template in your relationship, things can move along without an issue. However, when you have a problem with connection in your relationship or sexually, these scripts can cause a lot of problems.
What exactly is a sexual script?
Think of a script much like a script of a movie. The script dictates actions, intention and behaviors. When it comes to sex, scripts often tell people how sex is “supposed” to take place. These scripts can tell you who is supposed to initiate sex, how you’re supposed to talk about it, who is supposed to lead and take charge, etc.
Unfortunately, many of these things are based on norms and poor sexual education. People often learn these scripts from pornography as well.
The truth is everyone has script that they’re reliant upon that they’re naturally drawn to. Therefore, they’re not always a problem. In fact, when you use them correctly, they can give you really good information about your desires.
When are scripts are a problem?
Sometimes people get rigid about how sex should be. When this happens, people were taught something about how sex should work and they refuse to consider other possibilities. Again, this becomes a problem when the script doesn’t work. Unfortunately, this can lead people to try the same thing over and over again, yet when it doesn’t work, they start to build resentment towards their partners or feel inadequate about themselves.
Examples about problems can be:
- sex only can happen with firm erections.
- men always should take the lead in straight relationships.
- penetration is the only real type of sex.
- monogamous relationships are the only real kinds of relationships.
There are countless other examples that can’t all be listed here. If you’re having a problem in your sexual relationship, a great question to ask yourself is “how have I always thought sex should be?” This usually can give you insight into your assumptions about sex and relationships and how they’re supposed to interact.
These scripts can also keep you from authentically looking at what you sexually want. Sometimes people have desires that don’t align with these scripts which can lead to anxiety.
As you can see, breaking these scripts down can be tricky. They may be things that you’ve been taught for an entire lifetime. For example, a lot of people may not realize they’re gay or bisexual because they’ve only been exposed to straight scripts about sex relationships. It’s not until something help them consider other possibilities that they become aware of their non-heterosexual orientation.
Some men might not realize that they really enjoy being led or being more submissive until they have had that opportunity. However, if the script says this is abnormal, these same men might prevent themselves from considering this or avoid the enjoyment around it.
Therefore, the way to counter being rigid is openness, exploration and communication. Your sexual personal journey should continue to build, develop and grow throughout your lifetime. This helps you learn about scripts, but it also gives you endless options and opportunities on how to sexually connect. This doesn’t mean you can’t have sexual goals. Instead, you can make small goals but also continue to learn about yourself.
So look for scripts in your life. They’re undoubtedly there. Identify where they are useful for you, but also where you get rigid.
If you’re needing help examining these sexual scripts, sex therapy can help. Feel free to contact us to learn more about how sex therapy can help.
