Although relationships create a place for love, connection and security, they can also transform into a place of conflict and stress. Long-term relationships are complex and require ongoing communication and compromise to work. Many people are mistakenly taught that good relationships don’t require work. The myth is that when things go awry, disconnection, frustration, and stress become symbols of a failing relationship. The truth is that all relationships face challenges that need to be navigated through. When love turns into constant conflict, it can be difficult to know whether to keep working on the relationship or to consider moving on. In this article, I’ll help you identify things that you can work on and things that you can’t change. I’ll also help you identify when couples therapy can be used as a tool when you need a professional to offer guidance and support.
Signs Your Relationship Might Be in Trouble
Unequal effort or a lack of reciprocity. All relationships have some imbalance of the energy and attention that is taken and given. Some of this just changes over time as life happens. However, if you start to resent a lack of reciprocity, your relationship foundations are going to crack. This becomes even more critical when there is a problem that you’re trying to fix. If all of the effort is put in by one partner, resentment, frustration and distance can become the result. If you find yourself constantly working to improve things while your partner remains indifferent, it might be time to reassess the relationship’s balance.
The happiness to joy ratio is all out of whack. While relationships can’t make you happy or content, if they’re doing the opposite, you need to examine if the relationship is right for you. I’m not saying you should leave every time you feel a lack of contentment. However, if the relationship itself is making you feel discontent, then it’s important to examine what you want. This can help you identify your goals and commitments within that relationship.
Unproductive conflicts and fights. Most relationships have fights. In fact, I would say that it’s a problem if you have no conflict at all in your relationship. However, if you find that you’re having the same fight over and over, or you just feel less and less understood, these conflicts will build and destroy your relationship. Unfortunately, these circular issues tend to intensify the conflicts and increase levels of anger and resentment. When fights are mean-spirited and/or never lead to resolution, they can erode the foundation of your relationship. It’s important to learn how to have more productive discussions to navigate through conflicts.
Steps to changing relationship conflicts to healing.
While the things mentioned above can be signs of relationship problems, there are steps you can take to try to repair things. The following are good places to start.
Focus on your feelings and needs rather than blaming your partner.
Relationships involve more than one person. However, the place to start with making changes is yourself, not your partner. That’s because you can control your own actions. Blaming and criticizing your partner only leads to defensiveness and further conflict. Instead, try to express how you feel. If you end up feeling like you repeatedly hit a wall, you may need professional help to navigate the issue. At the same time, focusing on changing yourself may lead to some surprising results. For example, when your partner feels less attacked, they might be more willing to listen to you more openly.
Take a break, time out, or sleep on it.
Sometimes, stepping away from a heated argument and taking some time can help you approach the situation again feeling calmer and more refreshed. Sometimes, the heat of the moment can take you to a more reactive place. When you take some time it can help you center to the idea of negotiating and understanding your partner, rather than combating and arguing.
Stop defensiveness and take responsibility.
In the heat of arguments, it’s natural to want to defend yourself. Keep in mind that defensiveness is one of Gottman’s 4 Horsemen in relationship conflicts. This reaction will lower your trust, stop negotiations in their tracks, and increase ongoing conflict. Rather than doing this, take responsibility for what you can. It doesn’t mean you have to be a punching bag, but it shows a lot if you name your part in the problem. It shows your partner that you take them seriously. By showing vulnerability and understanding, you can turn a fight into a constructive conversation and negotiation.
Consider couples or relationships therapy.
If you feel that you keep getting stuck in tense fights that go nowhere, couples therapy can be a great resource. This can be a neutral professional who can bring skills to help you find your footing in these difficult topics. Relationship therapists can help you learn skills to improve your communication style, but also learn more about what your partner is communicating. Over time, couples therapy can help you move beyond conflict and into connection and closeness.
Should you stay or go?
Is your relationship even worth fighting for? This is a difficult thing to answer. This is because boundaries are different for everyone. One person will deal with certain things and find a way to deal with them, while other people would decide they need to leave. There’s no real specific right or wrong way to identify the final, red line for when you would need to leave your relationship. Well, there is one and this is if the relationship is violent. Outside of this, you have to decide this for yourself. Here are a few things to consider.
- Don’t put your decisions on your children. Many couples stay together for the sake of their children, but this can sometimes do more harm than good. Children benefit from seeing their parents work through their issues, but they can also suffer from being in a household filled with unresolved conflict. You can’t really fool them for the long-run either. Even if they don’t know the details, children sense when something isn’t right. It’s up to the adults to decide about their own relationship and putting these adult decisions on your children is unfair.
- Look for hope (or hopelessness).If you can’t find any hope that your relationship will be good enough for you, it’s probably time to move on. This doesn’t mean it needs to fulfill your fantasies or that it won’t have its problems. Instead, it means you need to determine if this relationship meets enough of your needs to continue. If not, it’s likely that you should seriously consider moving on.
- Missing a foundation. All relationships need a solid foundation. This includes having trust and a solid commitment to making the relationship work. If either person is missing these things, you have to start there. People often want to skip these foundational aspects and just build passion and connection. It doesn’t work out that way. You have to start with the foundational pieces and go from there. Sometimes, this can take a lot of work. For example, when there is a betrayal, the old foundation is often completely fractured. Obviously, you have to figure out if you want the relationship and if you can rebuild trust at all.
Talking to your partner about couples therapy
Bringing up the idea of couples therapy can be intimidating, but also can be extremely beneficial. It’s true, it can create some tension to brave it and bring up the desire to talk with a professional. The good news is that if you can make it through that tension, it can open a doorway to addressing serious problems. If that little bit of tension is too much for your relationship to handle, the sad truth is that it probably wasn’t all that workable of a relationship anyway. When you prepare to bring up relationship therapy, focus on using “I” statements to express your hopes and how you think therapy could help you grow. For example, you might say, “I wanted to bring up something that is very difficult and vulnerable for me. I’m wanting us to consider going to couples therapy because I would love to feel closer to you. There are things that I need to work on, and I want you to be there with me when I do.” This approach avoids blaming and shaming your partner and instead focuses on your own desires and needs. This also helps your partner feel less defensive and more open to the suggestion. You also want to leave room for your partner to share their perspective as well. Understanding your partner’s fears and apprehensions will go a long way in increasing trust. Emphasize that therapy is an opportunity for growth, not a punishment. Reassure your partner that your goal is to make things work, not to find a way out of the relationship. Giving your partner some decision-making power in the process, such as choosing the therapist or deciding on other logistics, can help make the idea less threatening. By listening to and respecting your partner’s emotions, you’re more likely to get them on board with the idea of therapy. The more on board you both are in the process, the more you’ll both engage in a way that makes the experience more beneficial for both of you.
If you’re in the Dallas area and you’re looking for a therapist who specializes in relationships, feel free to reach out to us.
