There comes a time for all of us when we have to contend with the fact that we’re getting older and won’t have time to do everything we thought we would. Accepting changes as you approach midlife can be overwhelming. Anyone and everyone can experience a mid-life crisis, but there are unique experiences and challenges that gay men go through compared to their straight counterparts during this time.
I’ve noticed in my work as a a gay-affirming therapist in Dallas, that certain themes often emerge for gay men navigating a mid-life crisis: healing from the past, reconciling previous choices, and fighting loneliness are just a few of the experiences that can be faced. Instead of a torturous time, a mid-life crisis can be a rich period of personal growth and transformation. How? Keep reading.
Coping with Loneliness
For gay men, loneliness can be intense when they’re middle-aged because many of their friends are no longer available due to family commitments such as children or caring for aging parents. Spontaneously grabbing dinner together on a Friday night isn’t like it was when you’re younger. In midlife, seeing friends requires planning and advance notice in a way it didn’t before. To cope, some gay men strive to get their social needs met at work but even there, life can feel stale and unfulfilling.
Perhaps they’ve been doing their job for many years and it’s no longer exciting or challenging like it was when they first started. While it can be nice to settle into a groove at work, a groove can quickly turn into a rut. The same is true of long-term relationships. What was once exciting can become routine and mundane. The passion the relationship exhibited at the start has perhaps fizzled into something more comfortable.
Although our society used to more openly work to isolate and even harm gay men, there have been some societal changes that have been difficult as well. You could argue that there are more gay-friendly spaces, but there are fewer gay-only spaces than there used to be. Gay bars and bathhouses weren’t ever perfect spaces, but they were spaces where gay men could come together, meet up, connect with friends and have sex. The lack of these spaces has pushed more and more gay men online. A HuffPost Article about gay men and loneliness discussed how this change has pushed young, gay men to feel more and more lonely. However, this hasn’t only impacted young, gay men. Middle-aged and older gay men are possibly impacted by this even more. The spaces that they used to use to connect and make new friends has evaporated. At this point, it’s pretty hard to argue with the fact that online, excessive social networking increases loneliness, rather than lowers it.
For gay men who are single and trying to date in mid-life, this has its own challenges. Compatible matches seem few and far between and dating can feel disheartening. Plus there can be pressure to find someone before a certain age (for instance, retirement), and if a special someone doesn’t come along right away, it can feel like time is running out and/or being partnered won’t ever happen. It’s a lot to hold but remember work and romance are not the only avenues for social connection.
How to Stop Being Lonely
As we get older, it likely feels harder to make friends but you can still build new social connections by engaging in community groups, clubs, or activities that interest you. This can be a great way to meet new people and form meaningful connections. You aren’t the only person who is lonely – many people are in the same situation and by joining groups and clubs, you’ll find people who are available to spend time with you. What interests you that you can do with other people?
Related, at this time of your life, consider seeking guided support. Are there groups for LGBTQIA+ individuals you can join? This can be a great place to share experiences and receive encouragement for what you’re going through. Meetup often has different groups for various interests and for gay men too.
Joining groups and clubs can bring some fresh air into your friendships but that doesn’t mean your long-time friendships have to die. Yes, it may take more planning and effort to connect with old friendships but it can be done. Reach out to the people you care about and arrange regular meet-ups or calls. If they also care about maintaining the connection, they’ll find a babysitter/caretaker and save a spot on their calendar to spend time with you.
How to Address Lingering Old Wounds
It’s pretty difficult to get to your 40s unscathed. Life can be difficult. Instead of sweeping the bag things under the rug, this can be a fruitful time of healing. The first step is to acknowledge what happened to you and recognize it had an impact. Also, you don’t have to work through everything by yourself. Therapy or counseling can be beneficial in helping you navigate unresolved issues from the past.
As old wounds surface, use mindfulness techniques to stay present and accept your feelings without judgment. Feelings aren’t facts – they’re information pointing toward something. What are your feelings trying to convey? Talk about them with trusted friends, family, or a therapist to gain perspective and receive support. Speaking of, therapy isn’t only healing past hurts – it can also help you set new goals that align with your current values and aspirations. Sometimes a fresh pair of eyes is the major redirect you need.
Embrace Positive Change
It’s true you’re aging but that doesn’t mean life has to stop being exciting. Try new hobbies or activities to discover what excites and fulfills you. It could be something that never occurred to you before or something you always wanted to try but haven’t. Also, regularly take stock of how you’ve grown and changed over the years. Celebrate your progress! You’re not the same person you were and that’s likely a good thing. Lastly, accept that change is a part of life and can lead to new opportunities for personal development.
If you’re a gay man and struggling with a mid-life crisis, you don’t have to manage on your own. My colleagues and I are here to help. As a certified LGBTQ affirming therapist, I can provide guidance and resources tailored to your needs. My colleagues are also affirming to the specific challenges faced in our community as well.
Contact us today to take the first step toward healing.
