Sex is hard to talk about. Even when you can do it without a problem, it’s quite possible you struggle with talking about it. Opening up about sex, sharing what you would like to be different, and letting your partner know that you have concerns are all vulnerable things to do. This is why it’s common to see people resort to passive-aggressive comments and behavior when they’re wanting things to change. The hope behind this behavior comes out in sex therapy all the time. In these situations, one partner wishes the concerns could be figured out without even having to talk about them.
In many ways, sex is a topic that will promote passive-aggressive interactions. This is because people do find it difficult to talk about sex and because people tie meaning to sexual interactions and feelings.
What Causes Passive-Aggressiveness Around Sex?
Discomfort with sexual conflict can lead to passive-aggressive comments and actions.
In general, passive-aggressive behavior and comments come from an extreme discomfort in dealing with conflict. There are several reasons for this. One can be upbringing and learning how to manage difficult situations in relationships. One can be the dynamics in the present relationship now.
Work on being invitational.
Your partner’s behavior isn’t your responsibility, but you can be supportive of them making a change. If you are abrasive and confrontational in nature, you’re making it more likely that passive-aggression is what you’re going to get. Unfortunately, many people resort to rubbing their partner’s nose in the shame of their behavior. Then they’re shocked when they’re faced with the same comments as before.
Rather than doing this, check in with your partner and show them that you want their authentic perspectives.
Worried about shaming or being shamed.
We’re all taught sex should just work. If it’s meaningful, we’re taught that it doesn’t need compromise, work, etc. These myths can promote passive-aggressive comments because it seems like you can get what you want without ever having to name it. It’s natural to want to avoid shaming your partner or shaming yourself. Unfortunately, it rarely works, and usually leads to more resentment.
Bravely communicate your needs and approach it gently as able.
No one can share your needs, but the place to start is to be gentle, understanding, curious, yet open. If you notice defensiveness, ask if you can say it in a different way. Get relationship help if you need to to help you communicate your needs.
Unrealistic expectations about sex.
Some passive-aggressive behavior can come from just being too idealistic about sex. Unfortunately, it can be really difficult for someone who is being passive-aggressive to take responsibility for changing their perspectives on any given topic. Sex often comes with myths regarding romance, passion, and love. Those things can be very difficult to break through.
Maintain solid boundaries.
You need to have solid boundaries and be very clear about your needs. If you feed into fantasy thinking, the passive-aggressive comments will get worse. Name your needs and be clear when you think something is inappropriate. Of course the other person isn’t going to like it. You can offer to be supportive if you’re able, but you can’t rescue your partner from their discomfort. This means that they need to do their own work.
Some communication strategies to help you communicate with your partner about sexual tensions.
Navigating away from passive-aggressiveness and moving towards understanding and connection.
Keep your goals in mind.
Remember that your goal is to try to connect. This can be hard when your partner deploys a passive-aggressive tone. Be sure to take your time and give yourself space if you need to. Do what you need to so that you avoid getting into toxic patterns. Don’t try to one up your partner. Don’t try to shame your partner into seeing their behavior. Instead, try to understand their perspective and gently try to share yours as well.
Invite your partner to clarify.
If you feel like something is passive-aggressive, ask them to share their perspective. You have to show genuine curiosity here, however. If you make the mistake of just trying to show interest so you can go on the attack, the pattern will persist.
Remember that this didn’t happen overnight.
There are reasons that your partner is resorting to the tactic they’re using. Just remember that sex is difficult to talk about and there are reasons that this happened. It’s critical that you learn how this happened.
Draw a line when needed.
Reassure your partner that you want to get to know their needs, but ask them to be clear and ask clearly. Of course you can’t make them do this, but asking can let them know your preference and that you’re open to hearing more.
Take opportunities to validate their feelings.
View their openness as a gift. Let them know you understand and get curious so they’ll give you even more information. Over time, your partner will hopefully trust you with more and more vulnerability.
Avoid assumptions.
Ask rather than assume that your partner is being passive-aggressive. You may be misunderstanding the intention of what was being conveyed. This can be clarified with trust and asking rather than assuming. If you find that you don’t trust that your partner is being honest, you have bigger issues that you need to work on.
When you should consider a sex therapist or relationship therapist.
Sex and couples therapy are tools that can be extremely helpful if you feel stuck with your partner. This can happen around passive-aggression because there are times when personal responsibility is completely avoided. If you find that you can’t have an actual conversation that goes anywhere or you just get so frustrated with your partner, finding a sex therapist or relationship therapist can help. The therapist can help your partner open up about things that they’re struggling to communicate, but they can also help you focus on understanding. You can also be open in these sessions about your frustrations, but in a way that is more productive than one that devolves into even bigger issues.
If you’re looking for help with passive-aggression in your relationship or problems with sex in your relationship, please don’t hesitate to contact us for help.