Some secrets are innocuous. For example, if you had a crush on a movie star… this is probably not something that your partner needs to know. However, others have the power to shake the foundation of a relationship. In the realm of sex, there are a few kinds of sexual secrets: partner histories, arousal preferences, fantasies, and betrayals. Sometimes sexual secrets can bring partners closer when they’re met with openness and vulnerability. Fantasies can be put into reality if you talk about them! Sometimes, however, sexual secrets can act like a bomb, exploding the relationship and leaving you reeling.
One of the biggest bombs can be learning your partner has cheated on you. This is one of the biggest types of betrayals that can come from a secret. It’s completely normal to feel angry, hurt, sad, confused, and whatever else arises. In the heat of the moment, you may decide to confront your partner about the secret but that can turn sour fast. Yes, you want answers but if approached in anger, your partner may react defensively and avoid sharing the whole truth, which may make the situation even worse.
How Therapy Can Help with Betrayal
It can be difficult to figure out how to handle learning about your partner’s sexual secret(s) but you don’t have to do it alone. You can work with a sex therapist such as myself to help you understand the complexities of your partner’s behavior, guide you in processing your emotions, and assist you in determining your best course of action. Finding a therapist who has training in partner betrayal trauma can be extremely helpful with this. You want a therapist who will approach your pain with understanding and support, rather than blame and criticism.
Therapy can help you gain clarity about what happened and what it means for your relationship. Do you want to stay together? Does it make more sense to break up? A sex therapist will provide a neutral space for you to figure that out.
If you do decide you’d like to give the relationship another shot, a sex therapist or sex addiction therapist can provide you both with tools to communicate more effectively.
Are you hearing one another? Or are you talking at each other rather? There’s a difference and a therapist will be able to help you sort that out. In addition, therapy can help you develop a plan to address your partner’s behavior while also protecting your emotional well-being. If that sounds complicated, it is!
5 Steps to Take When Your Spouse Cheats
1. Take Care of Yourself
The stress caused by infidelity can lead to all sorts of physical symptoms—nausea, shakiness, difficulty sleeping, lethargy, loss of appetite, or binge eating. It will be hard, but prioritizing your well-being is crucial.
Even when self-care feels impossible, try to maintain a regular sleep and fitness schedule and nourish your body with healthy foods. Your physical health directly impacts your ability to cope emotionally. Neglecting yourself will only make it harder to process what’s happened. Also, spend time with friends and loved ones.
2. Ask Questions
You might feel a deep urge to understand why your partner cheated. But at the same time, part of you may fear the answers. Either way, there’s no simple explanation for infidelity. While asking questions can help provide clarity, be aware that your spouse may not have a satisfying reason for their actions. It’s completely fine to ask them to go and do some work on themselves so that they better understand what happened. This request makes sense so that you can feel more secure trusting that their insight can prevent this from happening again.
Whether the affair stemmed from relationship issues, personal insecurities, or unresolved trauma, understanding the whycan be a critical step in determining how to move forward. However, keep in mind that just because you ask doesn’t mean they’ll be able—or willing—to give you the full truth.
3. Discharge Your Anger, So You Can Give Up Blame and Criticism
I know that up front it’s hard to know what to do with anger. Blame and criticism is something that naturally comes from facing a betrayal. However, over time, blame and criticism have to be replaced with listening and working together if you want this relationship to work.
Blame takes up energy you may not have to spare. It also invites others—like family and friends—to become deeply invested in your pain, sometimes more than you are. Loved ones may hold grudges long after you’ve begun to heal, making it harder to move forward.
Similarly, hyper-focusing on the third person involved can be tempting, but it shifts attention away from what truly matters: your relationship and your healing. Constantly criticizing the other person may put your spouse on the defensive, making honest conversations even harder. Instead, keep the focus on your relationship and your needs, so you can continue to work on building your future.
Healing the Pain as a Couple or Individual?
Keep in mind, therapy may involve individual counseling for you (as well as your partner), and couples therapy if you want to save the relationship. In individual therapy, you can utilize healing approaches such as EMDR, ART, and Somatic Experiencing.
Working with a sex therapist such as myself can guide both of you in understanding the underlying issues and build a foundation for trust and intimacy. However, therapy isn’t just about repairing your relationship – it’s also about your own personal growth. Through individual counseling, you can regain confidence, process emotions, and rediscover your needs. This process helps you establish a stronger sense of self, whether you decide to stay in the relationship or move on.
The Importance of Vulnerability on Your Healing Journey
Relationship traumas can lead to feeling stuck in repetitive cycles in your relationship. This can include a fear of making changes, a loss of a sense of who you are, and confusion about your boundaries.
This is understandable. Even without experiencing such a trauma, we all fear vulnerability. However, a trauma can make you feel like you’ve been hit by a truck, so it can be difficult to identify when you should start taking mindful risks again. What do I mean by risks? I mean taking the chance of getting hurt again. Just trusting your partner can be a very vulnerable thing.
Changes aren’t possible without increasing your tolerance for vulnerability again.
When you’ve dealt with something extremely negative and painful, your brain categorizes stuff to keep you safe in the future. It often tries to keep things as concise and tidy as possible. So it can really feel overwhelming to consider making changes by getting more vulnerable and open.
However, you don’t have to lose your boundaries to get vulnerable. That’s why I call getting vulnerable taking mindful risks. You want to feel safe enough to take the risk, while also opening yourself up so that your relationship can evolve again.
Here are some examples of some mindful risks.
- Allowing yourself to enjoy sex with your partner again.
- Having fun with your partner.
- Building future dreams with your partner.
- Communicating your needs and listening to the needs of your partner.
- Believing your partner is being honest.
There are countless examples of mindful risks that can make you feel vulnerable. These are just a few of those things that are commonly faced when people have been betrayed.
What If You’re Not Ready for Therapy
Let’s say you discovered a big sexual secret but you’re not ready for therapy. That’s fine! You’re in charge of your own healing timeline. You’re also in charge of how you go about healing. Therapy is a resource for you. However, it’s not easy to process and navigate through the intense and even traumatic feelings that can come from a betrayal.
If you’re not wanting therapy, there are still things you can do to take care of yourself:
- Build a solid support team. This can be family, friends, support groups, non-shaming religious resources, and other sources of community. Find people who will fill in various important spaces for you. Love, acceptance, honesty, etc.
- Journal: Write down your thoughts and feelings to vent but also help you gain clarity. This can prevent reactive communication and provide insights into your needs. This can give you a document that you can reflect on as well.
- Pause: Give yourself time to cool off before speaking with your partner when feelings are feeling overwhelming. This will help you approach the conversation more calmly and constructively.
- Set Boundaries:A boundary is something that helps you feel safe. What are you OK with? What are you not OK with? With your partner, reflect on what boundaries have been crossed and consider how you want to reinforce them moving forward.
Maintain Perspective
Lastly, if you can, maintain some perspective about what’s happening for your partner. Their behavior might stem from deeper issues such as addiction or unresolved trauma. That’s not to excuse or absolve their behavior but to recognize there’s a reason why they did what they did. Keeping that in mind can also help you both learn what steps are needed for healing. Your partner declaring, “It won’t happen again,” may not be effective at changing their behavior. Every person and relationship are different and that’s why working with a trained professional can be so useful.
If you’re in the Dallas area and looking for support, my colleagues and I are here to help. As certified sex addiction therapists in Dallas, we provide guidance and resources tailored to your needs. Contact us today to take the first step toward healing.
