Should You Share Your Desires for Kink with Your Partner?
Most people have desire that goes beyond what they would actually engage in. Many also have desires that go beyond their relationship agreements. Sadly, this can keep people from opening up about non-traditional arousal.
Not all desire is meant to be shared. This isn’t to say that people must feel ashamed of this part of their arousal. Instead, I’m saying that sometimes desire is purposefully kept in the realm of fantasy. When people bring their fantasies into their real life, it can lower the level of eroticism for that particular desire.
In sex therapy sessions, one of the things that you look at is whether or not you want to keep your desire and fantasy private. Then I would have you ask yourself what your motivation is for keeping it private. For example, do you want deliberately keep in fantasy? Or, are you simply keeping it private because you are ashamed? If it’s shame, you may consider braving it, and discussing it with your partner.
Trust is extremely important in sharing non-traditional desire. If you’re going to get vulnerable and share this, you want want to know that you’re partner is going to try to hear you out. This doesn’t always mean it’s easy for partners. Unfortunately, our society can be quite judgmental about sexual desire. The good news is that most partners are more supportive than you would think.
Consent is always the key word in any negotiation.
I have seen many people who have ruined their relationships by exploring their desire, without letting their partner know it. This creates distrust, but it can also be traumatic for partners as well. If you’re going to share these experiences with others, you have to be brave. You have to open up discussion with your partner. I know there is a risk of rejection. There is even some risk of your partner saying it crosses a line and they can’t be in the relationship with you anymore. I also know that that is a very scary step to take. It’s risky to share this part of who you are. However, you have to if you’re going to negotiate anything with your partner.
When you open this doorway, you might actually feel closer with your partner, and vice versa. All of the sudden, you have walked through shame, and trusted your partner with an important piece of your story.
Kink isn’t an addiction.
I have worked with clients who compartmentalize, and step into kink without really wanting to. For them, they struggle with mindlessness in their behavior. They might also struggle with knowing who they are. Therapy can help with this.
Most of the time, non-traditional desires are just that… non-traditional desires within a person. They are a part of who you are as a person. They are a way of expression. Sometimes they are a need for a lifestyle.
While you unpack your needs and open up, you can discuss how this is to be a part of your life. It may be a part of your current relationship. It might just be something that you want your partner to know about you. Many feel validated when they are able to share this openly, without shame.
You might also revisit your relationship agreements. As long as you are doing this in a mindful, consensual way, your relationship may become more open to others. Your partner may say they aren’t able to offer you the needs you shared, but may be open to you experiencing those with others.
Consider sex therapy.
Sex therapists usually have specific training and exposure to kink. Being aware helps them be affirming, while offering you a safe place to make decisions for yourself in your relationship. You can open up lines of communication, share boundaries, and develop new contracts within a safe setting. I recommend you look at the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom’s directory of Kink-Affirming Professionals. This can help you find someone who will encourage you to explore your own levels of authenticity in a sex-positive way.
