How to Add Kink to Your Relationship Without Destroying It
With Mr. Grey’s debut in the movie series, 50 Shades of Grey, kinky sex has become popularized in a way that brings it out of the closet and into the light.
Couples are becoming increasingly interested and comfortable exploring the possible benefits of implementing kink in the bedroom.
Yet, for many of us, knowing how to approach our partner about our fantasies is less than clear. We might fear a negative reaction, or don’t know where to start when it comes to actually bringing these desires into the bedroom.
More importantly, we want to ensure that we are not sacrificing the trust we’ve built with our partner.
Why Are We Shy About Kink?
For a long time, we’ve been taught to associate kink with deviance or even as being dangerous. We think kink is something that so-and-so does but not “normal” people. “Normal” couples, we think, should be satisfied with wholesome, run-of-the-mill sex.
Some couples are satisfied with more traditional sex and that is totally fine! But for others, kink can be a wonderful way to spice up a fading relationship and strengthen the trust and intimacy already present in the relationship.
Feeling shy about introducing kink into a relationship is completely natural. We might simply not have the tools to talk about the subject with our partner productively.
However, if we can overcome these negative stigmas surrounding kink, we might find that kink provides an opportunity for closeness and fun!
How to Add Kink in Your Relationship
When introducing kink into a relationship it is vital to remember the value of communication, research, and trial and error. These aspects create a space for both you and your partner to feel safe and supported when it comes to exploring kink.
Perhaps the most important part for successfully introducing kink into a relationship is to keep communication strong and frequent. Developed communication skills prove a mutual respect between partners and make the topic of kink easier to approach.
The first part to consider is knowing the time and place to have the conversation. Approaching your partner directly right before or during sex might have negative results. Your partner may feel pressured or less inclined to consider the idea when they are put on the spot.
When talking about adding kink, pick a time and place when both of you aren’t pressed for time or in a poor mood. Eliminate the distractions. This way, you can both feel that you have the opportunity to speak and express your desires.
You also want to make sure that kink is a collaborative effort. Listen to your partner and look for how you can incorporate their desires into your own.
Think of kink as an adventure for you and your partner: What is the end goal for both of you? How might you plan to get there together on a path that is most rewarding? Be prepared to compromise and be willing to try their fantasies as well.
Sometimes, we rely on television, porn, and romance novels to teach us about kinky sex. However, these are unreliable sources and might only give a partial view.
When looking into bondage, fetishes, or other kinky forms of play, it is important to research the topic in detail. Many of these forms of kink have proper techniques that make them safe to practice.
Doing research prior to approaching your partner might also help give them confidence in the adventure.
3. Start with Low Intensity and Go Slow
There should be no pressure placed on performing perfectly on the first go. Embrace the imperfections and laughter that might come from the first few attempts. With kink, like all forms of sex, it takes time to learn the right rhythm.
It is also important to take baby steps when it comes to trying new things. So, start small. No need to build a pleasure dungeon on the first try. Introduce sexual-play in steps that gradually increase.
For example, you can start with a light spanking before moving up to a flogger. Taking steps helps your partner and you feel safe. It maintains trust and allows each of you to find your own limits and boundaries.
Kink can be an exciting addition to any sex life. When you respect your partner’s boundaries and safety, you may find that kink is a new, fun way to rekindle passion, build trust, and improve intimacy in our relationships.
4. Boundaries and Trust
Although some of your journey will be trial-and-error, you have to have boundaries. You want to know when and how to stop any encounter. Prior to engaging in kink, be sure to discuss the rules of stopping a situation that is crossing your boundary threshold.
You also need to have trust. Trust can be the difference of working together in the experience, and a situation that turns abusive.
If you have a history of struggling with boundaries in your relationships, we recommend that you first find a kink affirming therapist to help you process boundaries. This can help you develop your agreements so that you can start on a better foundation.