When you get a scratch yourself it can leave a scar. This is common knowledge, but can emotional wounds leave scars as well? Of course. Whether it’s your upbringing, past abuse and traumas, or problematic relationships, it’s tempting to try to just carry on with your life while forgetting about what happens. The problem is that even when stop thinking about these things, they can still impact your life in several different ways.
If you’re struggling with problems with anxiety, depression, or anger, or you’re struggling with other arenas in your life, unresolved wounds may be to blame.
Understanding Emotional Scars
When you experience a highly charged emotional and negative event, you have to figure out how to cope to move on with your life. The good news is that most of us do move on in a way that isn’t immediately debilitating. The bad news is that despite this, your memory may keep information stored that still can impact your life in a negative way.
You might even forget about the event altogether for an extended period. Although it seems that forgetting these feelings isn’t harmful, it may be holding you back. Your history can lead to irrational ways of coping with the shame, frustration, and anger that sit motionless below the surface, affecting your relationships and even contributing to addictions.
Identifying Hidden Problems
It can be difficult to identify an unidentified and disguised “scar.” When helping people uncover these kinds of issues, I tell them that this is like a scab that hasn’t completely healed. Then when someone or something in your life triggers you, it’s like that scab isn’t getting picked at. Just like a scab, it could open up without you even realizing it.
Sometimes, in order for the wound to heal, you have to peel off the scab to deal with what is beneath the surface. Otherwise, the problem sits, well-protected in the place where it was last left, and problematic cycles continue to manifest, impacting your relationships and potentially leading to other issues. For example, you may regret having treated a past partner negatively or even abusively. At this point in your life, you could be overcompensating by allowing yourself to have poor boundaries without even realizing that this is taking place.
When you have an unresolved emotional wound, you can be more defensive, you might project more, or you might avoid things more. We call these things “defense mechanisms.” These are the ways that we learn to live in our lives with these triggers. These aren’t the only defense mechanisms that people use. Some of them can be relatively helpful, while others can be downright destructive. Poor boundaries, feeling like you’re overreacting, procrastinating, perfectionism, and avoiding are examples of destructive outcomes of these mechanisms.
Otherwise, the problem sits, well-protected in the place where it was last left, and problematic cycles continue to manifest, impacting their relationships and potentially leading to addictions as coping mechanisms.
Benefits of Addressing Emotional Scars
Getting into old emotional issues can seem very intimidating. So then the question becomes “why even do this?” The primary reason isn’t to rehash old stuff, it’s to heal things so that they don’t cause ongoing issues in your life. Whether it’s relationship problems, avoidance, or it’s even more serious behavioral problems such as addictions or lashing out, emotional wounds play a part in this.
This step can be initially painful and draining but can help in the long-term process of your healing. While looking back at the feelings from past events, you can learn to deal with the feelings and learn from them, rather than avoid them and feel like a victim of them. This will help you prevent making future similar mistakes, feel empowered, and improve your overall current feelings, enhancing your relationships and reducing the likelihood of falling into addictions.
The Healing Process for Emotional Wounds
- Learn how to recognize and tolerate your negative feelings: Begin by recognizing and accepting your emotions as they are. You can do some archeology to identify where they come from and make sense of them. However, identifying your feelings is the first step towards healing. When you recognize your feelings, you can tend to them. You can get them validated and find the support that you need. To practice doing this, I recommend you take an inventory. This can be through checking the sensations going on in your body and even keeping a journal to document what you notice.
- Reflect on your past: It’s important to take time to think about past experiences that may still be impact your life and relationships. The goal of this isn’t to relive everything. It’s actually to give yourself some understanding and validation about how you learned how to cope with your past. This is different than enabling yourself. When you look back, you just are trying to make sense of how you feel. Reflecting on your history can help motivate you to make the changes that you need to make to live the life you want to live. To start this process, ask yourself questions like, “When did I first start feeling this way?” or “What past events might have contributed to my current feelings?”
- Find a therapist or counselor to help: Consider talking to a therapist to help you heal these emotional wounds and support you while you do it. I especially recommend you find a therapist if you’re feeling stuck around a trauma or you’re dealing with addictions. It can also be helpful to find a professional if you’re just wanting someone to help you process your feelings or help you resolve them. Therapists can help you navigate through your past and present emotions by brining knowledge and safety while you heal.
- Learn to practice self-compassion: We can be kind of funny with how we treat ourselves. When it comes to treating ourselves with kindness, we’re often more supportive of others than we are ourselves. It’s not easy to look at this stuff. You have to be kind to yourself while you process painful memories. Healing is a process that takes time and patience. It makes sense to want to hurry because it’s painful. Learn and practice better ways of talking to yourself and treating yourself in ways that you want to treat other people. Catch negative self-talk and replace it with understanding and compassionate words.
- Create new healthy and safe coping mechanisms: Some of the ways that you learned to protect yourself can become destructive. It’s critical to learn to replace destructive coping skills with healthier habits. For example, rather than numbing, it’s important to learn how to tolerate difficult feelings. Rather than isolating yourself it’s important to learn to ask for help and support. Work on developing positive strategies such as self-care, mindfulness, deep breathing exercises, and healthy hobbies. Over time, you can build a toolbox of healthy coping strategies that you can use to manage pain from the past, but also cope with present as well.
If you’re in Texas and you’re ready to heal your old wounds and take control of your life, feel free to contact us to see how we can help.