Years ago, I wrote a blog post about Silver Linings Playbook that was somewhat critical of the relationship that they had in the movie. In that post, I wrote the following about the relationship that was at the center of the plot:
“Silver Lining’s primary theme of “love can conquer all” works well in the romantic comedy tradition, but not without some downfalls. The romantic comedy formula provides surprising complexities to its characters’ internal and external struggles. In time, Pat falls for grief-stricken Tiffany (Jennifer Lawrence), who presents with her own set of emotional and sexual issues. For a romantic comedy plot, “two crazy lovers” might be charming. However, from a mental health professional’s perspective, this message communicates the dangerous idea that relationships “neatly” solve problems, help people feel better, and provide the possibility for a “happily ever after.”
As I look back on that post, I don’t want to sound jaded about the power of relationships. Connections are incredibly important in our lives. Most of us want someone to share our experiences with, to grow with, and to build a life with.
If you read my review of this movie, you’ll see that, in the end, I actually liked it. However, even after all of these years, I still have concerns about the role that media plays in how we absorb ideas of ideal relationships and sex. As a sex therapist, I’ve seen how plot lines in media push people to play scripts in their own lives. In “reality TV,” the word “love” is thrown around as if it’s only passion and limerence, and not hard work at all.
Many mainstream movies still depict an old formula of love: a couple overcomes a barrier to fall in love in the end. We’re of course left hanging to assume that the couple is just going to live happily ever after–with no problems at all.
Porn can’t get off the hook here either. It makes it seem like sex is easy for everyone. Obviously there are various types of pornography, but the majority of it follows its own script: gender norms and the human sexual response cycle just happen.
Sometimes, Relationships and Sex Aren’t Easily Organic
The takeaways that so many people and so many of my clients experience from consuming media is that relationships and sex should be easy and organic. Sometimes, this is fine. When you’re early on in your relationship and you’re just getting to know your partner, you might not need to discuss, nor negotiate much of anything. You might just effortlessly have sex and enjoy your newer connection.
That can obviously be a honeymoon period for many people. Then you have your first fight. Sex may get dull, burdensome or boring. Over time, you’ll have things to talk about to enhance and improve your connection. At the same time, you’ll also know you’re never really going to go back. This relationship can have new discoveries and new things to learn about your partner, but it can never be new again.
I don’t want to make it seem like all relationships have this honeymoon period. Of course, if your relationship starts with chaos, fighting, and toxicity, I highly recommend you reconsider whether it’s the right one for you. However, some relationships start slower. They take time to build. For you,love could look and feel different than how you imagined it. The feelings may not be as quick and organic as you thought they’d be. However, you may find that this person meets enough of your relationship needs. This obviously looks a lot different than the spark we see so often in film and TV.
What is Normal For a Relationship?
What can be unfortunate with these media depictions of sex and love is that they can create an image of “normalcy” that gets imprinted in our brains. The issue with this isn’t necessarily the depiction (if that’s what you want). It primarily creates a problem when you rigidly cling to scripts that you don’t necessarily value, but give too much meaning to. For example, I’ve seen people nearly destroy their relationships because sex wasn’t how they imagined it would be in their relationship, while also believing that they shouldn’t have to talk about it. In these situations, the person is willing to hang onto ideas of their ideal being so “normal” that they look down on their partners with contempt.
Changing Your Scripts
Scripts are for movies and TV shows. Your relationship has realities in it that come with day-to-day living. Sometimes things are easy, fun, and connective. Other times, they’re frustrating, full of stress, and more isolating. As your relationship evolves, you have to be creative with connection, intimacy and sex. This means that it isn’t going to just follow a natural script. In fact, I suggest you get rid of the script altogether. When you have an expectation that isn’t matched, you’re going to just end up resenting your partner.
Unfortunately, I have found that people seem to cling to these scripts, harming their relationships in the process. Maybe it’s because the stories seem so refreshing. They seem to offer something to really hold onto. After all, relationships are supposed to make us feel safe, right?
Well, the truth is that relationships require a lot of vulnerability. You have to take some major emotional risks. You’re sharing your heart with someone. This means that your heart can get broken!
You also can become very vulnerable with sex as well. The more you let someone in on your desires, the more the path to sexual intimacy opens up. However, there’s risk in this too. Just like I’m telling you that you come into the relationship with a bag of rolled up scripts and myths about sex, your partner does as well. However, those things can be different. The baggage each person has can be different, which makes this a risky journey. You can put yourself and your desires out there and openly share them with your partner, only to feel misunderstood or rejected.
Embrace the excitement of the unknown.
There is a reason that you put in all that work to trust your relationship. As you build up your trust, you’ll feel safer sharing things that are vulnerable. If you do trust your partner, but you still keep things inside, then this is when you should consider talking with a therapist. Connection comes from being open and authentic with your partner. If you have the trust to do it, but something inside of you prevents you from opening up, you could benefit from learning about these barriers. This can help you push yourself to take these risks, which can also help you feel more seen and connected in the long-run.
In the short-run though, I recommend you embrace the excitement that comes from opening up. “Excitement, but I’m anxious?!”I can hear some of you asking this. Anxiety and excitement aren’t that far apart as far as feelings go. I’m indeed recommending that you shift your perspective towards viewing those anxious feelings as exciting anticipation for feeling more bonded and connected.
Of course, things won’t always work out. You’ll try to connect and it’ll fall a little flat. This can be disappointing and even hurtful. However, even in those situations there is opportunity. You can discuss your feelings and if you work on your communication skills with your partner, you can even end up turning those disappointments to increased connection and validation.
Get to know yourself.
One thing that can surprisingly be left out of the conversation about changing your scripts is you. Your partner can’t read your mind, which means you have a responsibility to know your needs and wants. That sounds like common sense, but it’s more difficult to recognize this than you might think. The downside of your needs being unrecognized is that those needs will still be there whether you’re actively aware of them or not.
When you have unrecognized needs, you’re much more likely to put your frustrated feelings on your partner. Your partner can’t read your mind, but if your script says“in meaningful relationships, my partner would be able to figure out what I want,”then you’re going to feel resentful. This script needs to instead to say something like,“I’m in charge of my needs and for communicating my needs. It feels great when my needs are anticipated, AND I can help my partner learn more about them to meet them.”
Get to know your boundaries.
Of course you being responsible for your needs doesn’t mean that you have to have no boundaries and no hopes. It also doesn’t mean you have to stay in your relationship forever. In other words you really need to be in touch with your boundaries. Would you leave this relationship over your current unmet needs? If not, then you have to treat these things as negotiable–you’re working to make them better.
When you approach getting these needs met with boundaries in mind, you’re also accepting that you’re not looking for perfection. Scripts can get rigid. However, relationships evolve, shift, and grow. They don’t require perfection, because the imperfect times and situations are real life. This is what enhanced connection is built upon–living your life in a real, authentic way with that person.
Redefining Love: Embracing Reality Over Scripts
I would say that all of us enter into relationships with scripts. We’ve just been exposed to the media, so there’s really no way around that. However, these scripts can create myths that can create rigid expectations of perfectionism, anticipation, and rigidity. By breaking the myths that can come from these scripts, you can build a more authentic connection with your partner.
If you’re struggling to build authentic connections with your partner, we offer in person therapy to people in the Dallas area, and online therapy to people throughout Texas. So whether you’re looking for an individual therapist or a couples therapist, feel free to contact us today to learn more about our services.
