How to Overcome Criticism and Defensiveness in Your Relationship: Communication Tips

Criticism and defensiveness can send your relationship into one of the most common cycles of any relationship. This is what we call an attack-defend cycle. A feeling of being attacked pushes you to react with a defensive response. This tends to end up in a loop where the person who was criticizing doesn’t feel heard, so they continue to try to make their statement, which prompts the same response from the other person.

Unfortunately, this often leads people to escalate or shut down. Or both!

Change criticisms into expressing what you need.

Gottman therapy talks about changing criticisms by softening how you’re starting up the conversation. The easiest way you can soften up your point is to use “I” statements, rather than “you” statements. This will serve a couple of purposes. First of all, it slows the conversation down. This can cut into some of the reactivity that is taking place. It’s not easy to turn what you have to say into I statements, so you’ll have to think about how you’re going to transform your point into this.

I statements also take the heat off of the other person a bit. The second you use the word “you” to make your point, your partner is likely to go on guard. That word is often it’s own trigger point. By utilizing this simple strategy, the intensity almost immediately lowers. This doesn’t mean there will be no defensiveness, but it encourages less.

Another important aspect of shifting from criticism is naming what you need. By telling your partner what they can do, it an empower them to work with you.

Practice active listening

When your partner is sharing their perspective on an issue, listen without immediately reacting or sharing your perspective and opinions right away. The most important thing you can do is to show that you understand. But you’re not just showing that you understand for yourself, you’re also trying to show them that you want them to feel understood as well. When you value your partner’s perspective, you’re going to be better able to negotiate and work together.

Take responsibility for what you can.

So many people get all-or-nothing when they think of having to take some responsibility. The biggest tool you can have in your tool belt is validating your partner’s experience. From their perspective, what is your partner trying to say? What is meaningful or important to them? If you can get to a point of understanding the answer to these questions, they’re likely to feel less of a need to criticize because they’re more likely to feel heard.

When you’re feeling defensive, it’s also important to do some work from the inside. I like to ask people, “what are you defending against?” It’s important to create understanding of our insecurities. Especially in a relationship. When we get defensive, it’s often because we’re protecting against something.

Boundaries still matter.

Just because you are changing these aspects of your communication doesn’t mean you have to be without boundaries. For example, your relationship may be full of so much past hurt that you can’t trust feedback or you don’t feel safe to take responsibility. This is when there are some major crossroads in the relationship. Everyone has to put in some very hard work here. If you’re not willing to do this kind of work, you may ask yourself whether or not this is the relationship you want. Relationships can often be saved with really hard work learning how to ground , rebuild your foundation of trust , and growing together, but it’s not easy.

When you’re overwhelmed, practice calming techniques.

Give yourself some time and be sure to give your partner some time and space when needed as well. When a discussion gets heated, take a break revisit it later. This will help you stay away from saying things you regret and can’t take back. You’ll feel more resilient to understanding things that are difficult for you to hear.

Even more importantly, you won’t shut down. This will help your partner feel closer to you. This closeness will help you feel more connected, improve on your trust, and find new value in your relationship.

Avoid giving specific examples until there is understanding.

This is a common pitfall as well. One person will share their experience and the other will respond with, “give me an example.” A general rule… don’t do this! This is basically saying, “I don’t believe you, so prove it to me.” When you take this position, you’re putting your partner in a position that basically says they need to get louder to prove their point. In some of the most toxic relationships that I’ve worked with, belligerence is common. This often comes from one person who feels like they need to get louder because they’ve been ignored. I’m not saying it’s appropriate, but if you look at it in this way, it makes more sense why you need to avoid this pitfall.

You may need help.

Sometimes, you can’t do it alone. Couples therapy is important in situations when things are stuck and you need someone to help with new skills.–

If you’re in Texas and looking for a couples therapist to help with attack-defend cycles, contact us today.