How to Choose a Gay Affirming Therapist that is Right for You
Choosing a counselor is a difficult task for everyone who is looking for help. When you’re a queer, choosing the right therapist can seem even more intimidating. There are many gay-affirming therapists out there. However, where you live and what you need can deeply impact who you choose to work with. It can also deeply impact how difficult it is to find a good match.
It’s also true that many counselors claim to be comfortable or friendly with gay, lesbian, bi, pan and other queer folks, when they have more biases than they realize. This is why it’s important to remember that professionals aren’t the ones who get to define this for you. You, as the one seeking help, has to decide what makes a counselor queer-affirming.
Identifying Your Therapy Needs by Asking Yourself These Questions
When you’re looking for the right therapist, I recommend you start asking yourself a few important questions. This can help you identify what you need and what you’re looking for. Here are the questions I would recommend you ask yourself.
- What are you needing help with?
- What qualities would a professional have that would make you feel safe to open up?
- Do you want your therapy to be in-person or online?
- Are you needing a therapist who has an understanding of trauma including cultural traumas?
- What intersectional needs do you have from your therapist?
Questions to Ask a Potential Therapist to Ensure They’re Who You’re Looking For
There’s no such thing as the perfect therapist. However, there are things you can ask your therapist to ensure they’re someone who you can build a good, trusting relationship with. This is just a short list.
- Do you identify as someone who is part of the community?
- What is your experience working with ______ issue?
- How long have you worked with queer clients?
- Have you worked with clients dealing with coming out, discrimination, or internalized homophobia?
- What strategies do you use to help clients build self-acceptance and resilience?
- How do you feel about talking about queer sex?
- What makes you queer-affirming as therapist?
- How do you help people with other cultural issues in queer relationships?
- Will you push someone to come out who isn’t ready to?
- How do you support queer clients who are dealing with discrimination, shaming, or even hate crimes?
- What will you do if I talk about political stress in our therapy?
- How do you feel about me talking about religious beliefs in therapy?
Obviously, you don’t have to ask all or any of these questions. This is just a list of things that many people need to consider. If it feels like something is missing when you’re asking these questions, ask yourself if the therapist is close enough to what you’re needing and ask yourself what you would need to make it work. It’s completely fine to share this with your therapist. A quality therapist will be able to hear this and process this with you. Discussing it may make you feel more comfortable.
If the therapist is not, you can also ask if they have had any training or experience working with the LGBT population. Not all affirming therapists are part of the community. Many allies are very affirming to gay clients. Most educational programs offer some cultural competency training that includes LGBT issues, but this training is often minimal at best. Therefore, it is also appropriate to ask the therapist about their experience.
Then it is important to gauge you own level of comfort. You can set up a consultation to meet this professional, and see how comfortable you feel. Do you feel that this is someone who you can talk openly about your relationship with? Is this someone who you think will understand the discrimination and life-circumstances that you might discuss?
There Are Red Flags that You Should Watch For On Your Therapist Search
There are going to be several things that are negotiable with your therapist choice. However, you may encounter things that are non-negotiable as well. Here is a list of common red flags, but there are many others that you may identify on your search as well.
- Making heteronormative assumptions about queer relationships and sex.
- The therapist imposes their beliefs on you rather than lets you navigate through your own journey.
- You’re pressured to conform with things you’re uncomfortable with.
- The therapist is condescending, impatient, or insensitive to your stress, mood, and feelings.
- You’re ignored when you name that you have a concern.
- There is a lack of regard for your safety in your community.
- The therapist over-generalizes.
If you’ve had a promising start to your therapeutic relationship, I always recommend trying to talk with your therapist about concerns or feelings that arise. Sometimes there is miscommunication and it can actually be healing to navigate through something. However, it’s also OK if you need to terminate the relationship because it no longer feels like it’ll be a good fit.
You may want an affirming therapist, regardless of whether your main issue is related to your sexual orientation or not.
You may be looking for therapy for something that has little to directly do with your sexual orientation. There are other situations where problems with depression, anxiety, or substance abuse are directly related to discomfort from the fear that is related to coming out, being ridiculed, or lacking acceptance. If you have not yet come out or are questioning whether or not you are gay, you are more likely to feel some level of discomfort discussing this openly with a person who you don’t yet know very well. Part of this process is becoming more comfortable with this part of your life, which in part is what therapy can help you with.
In a setting that is gay-affirming, you should be able to openly discuss topics such as improving on your sexual relationship, considerations of having open relationships, how to deal with discrimination, accept yourself with or without the acceptance of others, and how to overcome religious trauma. These topics are not always easy for clients to discuss, and it is important that you feel as comfortable as possible in talking about these things. A counselor or therapist who understands these issues can give you open feedback, but in a way that you will feel that the environment is safe for you as well.
Keep in mind that it is up to you to determine what is and is not “gay-affirming”. Many times professionals will say that they are gay-affimring, without recognizing their own biases. Everyone has biases, and a counselor who is competent to help with gay-related issues will recognize his own. You may seek seek out a gay therapist, or you may find someone who is not gay, but with whom you feel comfortable talking to. Either way, follow your gut, and you’ll be on the path to self-acceptance and determination.
Obviously being gay can impact your life in a variety of ways. Then there are also just the day-to-day human things that you may want help for. Work related stress, life changes, major life events, and relationship issues can all lead people to therapy. Some want to discuss these things with an affirming therapist as well.
If you are in the Dallas area, and looking for a gay therapist or counselor, contact us now to see how I can help you with anxiety, depression, relationship problems, and substance abuse issues.
