Taking Responsibility to Repair Your Relationship
All arguments and disagreements have two sides. As you’ll see in many of our articles, validation and listening are important parts in connection. However, many couples continue to struggle with moving on. One reason for this struggle is that the people involved might struggle to take responsibility.
Not taking responsibility leads to only one option. This is blame. There is a sense that the other person is completely responsible for the problems and feelings. This is somewhat true. They do play a part in this. But you do as a well. Without knowing this part, it’s going to be impossible to move forward.
Keep in mind arguments are often about more than what’s in front of you.
Many times arguments dig deeper than what it seems like they are about. Many debates are about small events or disagreements. This means that they could be related to ongoing issues surrounding invalidation, lacking trust, and troubles accepting each other.
If you’re in a debate, look at common themes that are causing problems in your relationship. Identify what you’re commonly upset about and what makes you feel most frustrated. Then look at things that you can can do to prevent it from playing out this way again in the future.
The importance of slowing down.
This will require you to slow down. When we’re frustrated, we tend to speed up. This makes it difficult to take a different look at what is going on in the situation. Therefore, slowing down is a necessity if you’re going to change your perspective.
So why change your perspective? Remember your goal.
If your goal is to enhance your relationship, then taking responsibility has to be part of the equation. This doesn’t mean that this is an easy thing to do. It’s always easier to look at the other person, and get critical about what is or isn’t happening on the other side.
When getting stuck on looking at your partner, you risk increasing a sense of hopelessness for yourself. However, when you recognize your part in the situation, you’re better able to search for your part in it. This will help to prevent you from getting defensive. It can also help you prevent yourself from attacking your partner.
This doesn’t mean you have to own the whole thing.
It’s true. Your partner also holds some responsibility in the situation. Also, your perspective and desire for change is worth hearing. This requires great balance in trying to share your perspective. Keep in mind, that if you take responsibility for your part, your partner will be more willing to hear you out.
If you continue to struggle, find a couples or relationship therapist to help you with these lines of communication. Couples therapists can help people with misunderstandings, bids for connection, and other common issues with processing.