Is Sex Addiction even real?
Sex addiction is one of the most contentious and controversial topics in the fields of psychotherapy and addiction. It has caused some of the most intense debates I’ve seen among professional mental health practitioners and researchers. In fact, I wrote a sex Addiction book about this because it has caused so much confusion and tension and it makes it difficult to even know how to find help.
The controversy makes it so difficult for anyone who is concerned about this issue. If you’re someone who is worried you may have a problem, you’ll come across opinions saying Sex Addiction is real and others saying you can never have a compulsive problem around sex. There are many reasons for these opinions and many of these “experts” are actually looking to exploit the pain that comes with compulsive sexual behaviors by polarizing a very real problem.
Why was there a sex addiction controversy to begin with?
It’s important to have a little understanding about why there ever was a controversy, so that you can identify misinformation.
There are professionals out there who believe they can define healthy sexuality for you.
This becomes very problematic because it encourages people to avoid difficult conversations about desire, attraction, and even gender and sexual orientation. You need to be able to discuss sexual boundaries, desires, and awareness about yourself in your relationship. Some people don’t realize that they’re LGBTQ+ until they’re later in their adulthood. Others had no real opportunity to come out earlier in their lives without going broke, being disowned, or worse.
Sadly, there are professionals who have used the term “addiction” to justify practices like conversion therapy.
There are also professionals on the other end of the spectrum who advocate for complete boundarylessness and mindlessness around sex and relationships. I know this sounds absurd, but it happens more than you’d think. This lack of boundaries makes things very confusing for you when you’re trying to figure out your own definitions of healthy sexuality.
Misconceptions and Misuse of the Term “Sex Addiction”
It’s essential to distinguish between true sex addiction and other issues like shame surrounding sexuality. Sometimes, individuals mistake the shame they’re feeling for an addiction. In this article, I’m going to help you differentiate between these different misconceptions and myths so you can identify whether this label and the symptoms fit your problem.
What is a sex addiction?
The use of this label can be confusing. This is why it can be difficult to identify whether the label fits the symptoms you’re concerned about. What exactly is a sex addiction? Let me start by giving you a formal definition, and then I’ll give you some other things to consider to help you. Sex addiction is characterized by a compulsive pattern of sexual behavior that disrupts a person’s life, relationships, or career.
Outside of that formalized definition, I think it’s best to think about sex addiction as a compulsive and repetitive pattern, which is often mindless and can be dissociative as well.
Finding sexuality professionals who know what they’re talking about.
I’m oversimplifying the complex controversy on sex addiction in this article. As I said before, actual books have been written on the topic. There are several other opinions out there on issues related to porn use, healthy sexuality, and sexual boundaries.
If you’re concerned about your behavior and the impact that it’s had on you and your relationships, you need to identify what is and isn’t out of control. Quality professionals will help you do this. Unfortunately, training can help give professionals a framework to help you identify this, but only you can determine if your therapist is one who you trust.
How do you know if you’re dealing with a Sex Addiction?
I’m going to be talking about what Sex Addiction actually is, what it’s often rooted in, and how you can separate it from other sexual interests and issues. There are so many variables that can make your behavior seem confusing about whether or not it’s compulsive.
There are various criteria that you can explore that are out there.
I would say that if your behavior becomes repetitively harmful, repetitively violates boundaries, and you can’t change it, then it might be compulsive.
What sexual behaviors are harmful?
This is where things get confusing. All societies have norms, and those norms can create a lot of shame when you’re outside of those things. Sexual taboos (such as fetishes, kinks, and non-monogamy), many sexual orientations, and gender variances all come with cultural shame. Shame obviously comes with compulsive sexual behaviors too. The shame from both compulsive situations and sexual, personal understanding and development can lead to secrets. However, secrets themselves don’t mean that you’re dealing with a sex addiction.
What can even be more confusing is that the trauma from navigating these taboos can lead to sexually compulsive behavior to cope with the stress.
In general, if you’re not dealing with a behavior or desire that’s considered taboo in some way, you’re going to look for patterns of engaging in behaviors that put your health, relationship(s), or career in jeopardy. If you’re engaging in these patterns over and over, sex addiction is more likely.
If you’re gay, lesbian, bisexual, questioning your gender or orientation, or worried about sharing other interests or sexual desires, then I recommend you find a sex-positive therapist who can help you examine your needs and desires and help you explore these things in a boundaried way.
What Sex Addiction is Not.
Wanting or liking a lot of sex.
Sex addiction isn’t a high sex drive. I know a lot of people who think that sex addiction is wanting to have a lot of sex. This issue goes beyond a high sex drive. Instead, it reflects deeper issues that are often rooted in past trauma, anxiety, or depression.
Shame involving sex.
Like I previously mentioned, sex addiction isn’t just a label to take on to plaster over the shame you’re experiencing. If you’ve cheated or lied, you have to work to take responsibility for this.
Sexual minorities.
Being gay, lesbian, bi- or pansexual isn’t a sex addiction. Sadly, there are still groups out there who will treat your orientation as a pure behavioral problem. There are times where people respond to traumas with confusion about their orientation and desires. These interactions can also become compulsive. However, just having non-heterosexual desire doesn’t mean that you’re dealing with a sex addiction. Find an LGBTQ+ affirming therapist to help you navigate these questions for yourself.
Kinky sexual desires.
Sex is already difficult to talk about. When desires become kinky, there are a lot of people who resort to keeping secrets. This dynamic by itself doesn’t mean that you’re dealing with an addiction.
Gender variances.
The climate has created even more shame for people who are trans and non-binary. Many people come to understand variances in their genders later in their lives. These realizations aren’t addictions. You need to find a gender-affirming therapist to help you explore your authenticity.
Porn viewing
People have the right to have their own boundaries about pornography in their relationships. Just the act, even if it violated unspoken boundaries, isn’t an addiction. It’s important to figure out how to talk about sexual boundaries in your relationship. Of course, porn viewing can become compulsive, but it’s just important to refrain from treating it like it always is.
Therapy in the recovery process for sex addiction.
Sex addiction therapy involves a combination of things. First, there has to be a behavioral and thinking element to your treatment. This is going to include identifying problematic patterns and finding new ways of intervening with these patterns. Sex education is also critical to help you identify problems. Most of us have had very poor sex ed, so we have to keep learning about sex as adults.
As things get more stabilized, there is room to do deeper therapeutic work on past traumas. You’ll also need to do work on your relationships. I think this is critical for people who are single as well, because it’s important to learn how to date, flirt, open-up etc. If you’re in a relationship, you’ll likely need to engage in relationship therapy to help you navigate through the pain, betrayal, and future boundaries with a couples therapist.
Seeking Help: Why It Matters
Finding a team to help you is critically important. The shame that goes with sexual compulsivity can make you believe there are so few out there who are in your situation. The controversy of this topic can lead people away from finding needed support. Although therapy is different than the 12 steps, some people find these support groups helpful. 12-step programs like Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA) and Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA), can provide support in a non-judgmental environment. Keep in mind that Sexaholics Anonymous (SA) is more of an evangelical-based option. Thus, if you’re concerned about culturally taboo sexual shame, I don’t believe this is a good fit for you.
Finding the Right Therapist
It’s vital to find a therapist experienced in sex addiction, preferably someone with a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT) credential. These professionals undergo extensive training to provide specialized care, helping individuals navigate their challenges and rebuild their lives.
Understanding and treating sex addiction requires a nuanced approach that goes beyond societal misconceptions. With the right support and therapy, individuals can overcome compulsive behaviors and lead fulfilling lives. If you or someone you know is struggling with sex addiction, contact us today.