Addiction often comes with a lot of shame because the addict has done things they aren’t proud of or that they know are wrong. Sex addiction is no different. Defined as excessive sexual thoughts, desires, urges, or behaviors that can’t be controlled, sex addiction has the added weight of not only affecting the addict themselves but other people as well.
Yes, it’s true addiction usually impacts other people – just ask any child of an alcoholic parent – but sex addiction causes distress and harm to relationships due to the possible multiple affairs, cheating, and lying. From that perspective, it’s easy for a sex addict to engage in negative self-talk because they know they messed up and are damaging the relationships they care about.
A sex addict might say, “What’s wrong with me? I’m a terrible person,” and more. That’s understandable but not actually helpful. It’s difficult and may feel counter-intuitive for a sex addict to treat themselves well but in my experience as a Dallas sex therapist, that’s exactly what’s called for.
Consequences of Getting Down on Yourself
First, note that I’m not saying sex addicts should get a free pass to continue engaging in harmful behavior. There are some very real consequences to acting out and those must be dealt with. If you’re a sex addict and you tell yourself, “I’m a good person. It’s fine that I’m cheating on my partner,” that is not healing from sex addiction – it’s denial and justification. However, the opposite is also true – continuing to engage in negative self-talk can be a justification for not working on yourself.
If you think you’re a piece of crap, a flawed human being incapable of changing, then what’s the point of trying to become a better person? There isn’t. If you’re too hard on yourself, you’re likely to give up on trying to heal. You’ll likely fall into old patterns, which further damage you and your relationships.
Healing from sex addiction is tricky because there’s a balancing act between acknowledging the harm to yourself and your relationships but not wallowing in that pain and shame. In psychology, we talk about healthy shame, or a feeling of guilt about something you did wrong that motivates you to make things right and change your behavior. Healthy shame shows you care about your connections and that you know you hurt those around you. Instead of saying, “I’m such a screw-up,” healthy shame involves acknowledging reality while also treating yourself with kindness.
The Power of Positive Self-Talk
To heal from sex addiction, try using positive self-talk because the way we talk to ourselves influences not only the way we think and feel, but how we act. “I’m such a screw-up,” creates more harmful behavior to reinforce that belief about yourself. And even if you don’t screw up, your mind will filter that out due to cognitive bias.
On the other hand, using positive self-talk such as, “I have done things in the past I’m not proud of but every moment is an opportunity to change for the better,” can encourage you to enact that reality. Research has shown positive self-talk can increase your confidence, self-esteem, performance, and outlook.
If you struggle to say kind things to yourself as a recovering sex addict, try using the second-person objective perspective about positive changes that you’ve made. Reflect on what you do better than before and show yourself some appreciation for those changes. “You’ve come a long way,” or, “You’ve really grown a lot in the past year” are a couple of good examples of this. The second-person perspective can make it easier to accept positive messages because it feels like the message is coming from an “outside source.” That said, sometimes you do need an outside source, which is how therapy can be effective.
As a sex therapist in Dallas, I, or one of my colleagues at Vantage Point Counseling Services, act as a neutral third party. We’ll tell you the truth but also help you see the full picture of who you are – the good parts too.
We can support you as you heal from sex addiction and teach you methods for positive self-talk. If you’re interested, contact us to learn about how we can help.
