Some couples do not have sex, and they have no relational problems because of this. However others struggle with their sexual relationship to such a degree that they are willing to end their relationship because of this. These problems with sexual issues in a relationship can greatly vary, but they are most often related to infidelities, differences in sex drive, a boring sexual routine, or lack of sexual interest of one partner. Many times these relationships do not have to end. By improving communication, learning how to regain intimacy, and utilizing better time management, most couples are able to turn their sex lives around. This article will focus on communication.
Many couples struggle with communication in relation to sex. One member of the relationship may hope that the other person will identify the problem and take action. But because the problem is either unidentified or misunderstood, little to no change takes place. This creates a viscous cycle, because the frustrated member becomes more frustrated, and the other party takes little to no action for an unidentified problem.
To fix this issue you have to learn to be open about what you are dealing with. Out of the clients who I follow for therapy for sexual problems, many times one member of the relationship will say that there is a problem, but will not be able to specifically identify what the problem is. In order for a positive change to take place, you have to know what you want to change. You can’t communicate it clearly if you are unclear. If you are unsure of what needs to change, it isn’t fair to expect an improvement from the other person. So know specifically what you are wanting, so that you can help your partner help your sexual relationship. Sometimes you may be talking about something emotional or a feeling during sex. It will be much easier for your partner to understand if you make this something tangible or concrete. This will help your partner better understand what exactly you want from this interaction.
Be careful not to become passive-aggressive when communicating your concerns. Because of the insecurities many people have with discussing a sexual relationship, many times people will drop hints about their issues. The problem with you dropping such hints is that when they are not interpreted, you are more likely to become frustrated. Then these hints can become more emotional in nature. This can lead your partner to walk away feeling insulted. Remember that sex is a type of communication that takes place in a relationship. You give each other cues while you are having sex and even give sexual cues when you are not. If the cues that you are giving say that you are angry and bitter, good sex is less likely going to be the result.
The best thing that you can do to help your sexual relationship is be clear and to the point, but also respectful. If you are feeling frustrated, it is best to wait until you do not feel frustrated to communicate your concerns or desires. If you want your partner to do something particular, let your partner know this. If you want more sex, communicate this. Rather than saying that you think your sex life is boring, which makes you sound like a victim and will likely make your partner defensive, give some ideas of how you would like your sex life to be more exciting. Then give it some time and see if anything changes. Notice what positive changes you have seen, and discuss the positives with your partner. This will keep your partner from feeling as though nothing right can be done.
If you have been feeling frustrated because of your sex life with your partner, remember the importance of communication. Sex is a sensitive and delicate type of communication in your relationship. When you have an issue, communicate this, but not when you are upset. Know specifically what it is that you want before talking with your partner. When discussing this issue, be as specific as you can. Give it some time and see if something changes. And most important of all, enjoy each other and have fun.