Navigating New Realities: When Your Son Comes Out

Although gay and lesbian folks continue to find more and more acceptance in our society, coming out can still be daunting. For a parent, it can be a struggle to know how to support, understand, and how to show up for a child who comes out. This is true whether your son is an adolescent or an adult.

Discovering that your child is gay can bring on all kinds of emotions. Fear, anger, and even sadness are common for parents who have a gay child. However, with increased understanding, openness, and a willingness to support your child, this journey is an actually opportunity for building stronger a stronger connection and relationship.

Understanding and Supporting Your Gay Son

When your son comes out to you, it can shift many things in your life. There is a lot a parent to balance in these situations. On one hand, you need to be there for someone who you love. On the other hand, you have to cope with the array of emotions you’re experiencing. You want to be there for your kid, you want to protect your family, you’re trying to cope with the news, and you want maintain some connections with your community.

Most of the problems that arise in families in these situations come from fear and misunderstanding. Sexual orientation is confusing for a lot of people. It all depends on your background. When someone comes out as gay, it may send you into denial, anxiety, etc. Some may think that their child is going through a phase, while others may think that gay people can change this part of themselves or that their son is making a choice.

Then there are also parents who have moral concerns that are based in their own religious beliefs.

No matter how much fear is there, you can’t make a gay child change their orientation. Conversion therapy has proven to be harmful, so no matter what information you come across that tells you this is changeable it’s not. The best thing that parents can do in this situation is become informed and more educated, so that they’re better able to help the family move through this potentially stressful time.

This doesn’t mean you don’t have your own process to go through of understanding and healing. It’s just important to separate your own journey from the process your son is going through.

Find Peer Support Systems

It’s critical that you have your own support system. It’s really hard for a kid to come out. This means they’re not really going to be in a space where they can support you and your process. Sometimes that might not seem fair, but as the parent, you’re expected to be the nurturer. Finding a group of other adults who won’t judge you, who will support you, and who will understand you is the answer to this dilemma. It’s OK to have struggles, as long as you get the right kind of support.

Opening up and encouraging dialogue.

Most parents want to be supportive when their son comes out. Remember that most issues involve misunderstandings. This includes miscommunications. You may want to share empathy and understanding. However, there is a lot of room for things to go wrong when emotions are high and intense. When misunderstandings happen, the tension is likely to rise even more. Sadly, I’ve seen families implode over this type of tension.

Time, patience, generosity, and space are all critical when navigating through these conversations.

Avoidance

Avoidance is another common issue for families when someone comes out. Sometimes, people avoid talking about a person who is gay. This can include avoidance of talking about that person’s relationships, self-perspectives, and how they’re coping with coming out. This avoidance can make someone who is gay feel left out. It can also let ongoing issues fester.

If you identify with avoiding topics, you may want to assess your own levels of discomfort. It’s important to identify these things so you don’t react to blind spots and accidentally hurt your son and your relationship with him.

Get updated information.

Many of the parents I have worked with respond to outdated fears. For example, there is fear about their son’s safety or others might fear things that are now manageable such as HIV. It’s important to understand that HIV isn’t a certainty for gay men and for men who are HIV positive, there are medications now that are able to control the virus itself.

These are just a couple of concerns that parents have, but myth-busting can help you feel more secure with this reality.

There are also several unknowns for families when someone comes out. It’s important that parents have their own feelings, take responsibility for how they feel and have places to be open and process.

It’s much easier for a young gay adult to hear from their parent they they’re trying to understand and they’re working through this. If your kid has just come out to you, it’s important to look inward, identify how you feel, and look for resources in your community. You might need to find someone you can be open with and it can even be a good idea to find a therapist. Some smaller communities don’t have as many trusted resources, but there are more online groups and supports than ever before.

Be cautious about how you share your struggles. Although it’s beneficial for people to hear a parent’s perspective, it can still be hurtful to hear that their parent is struggling. One recommendation to have is to ask your child how much they want to hear. Even if your child wants to hear your perspective though, be gentle about what you share and lean on the side of caution. For example, you might tell them, “I’m processing a lot of it” or “I’m learning and growing” rather than really negative feelings.

The openness can open up lines of communication, encourage both sides to cope with these changes, and facilitate future healthy family roles. The parents may benefit from participating in support groups such as PFLAG . If there are no local support groups for you, there are also online forums that you can participate in as well. PFLAG is likely to direct you to these options when they’re needed. These are excellent forums for people to learn that they’re not alone and get suggestions on how others have handled similar situations.

Having a son who has come out can be a difficult time for families and the one who has come out. Although most parents want to be supportive, they often just don’t know how or what to do in an unfamiliar arena. Some deny that they’re struggling with this, while others avoid the topic altogether. With proper support and counseling, however, families can gain education, learn to communicate without hurting each others’ feelings, and build solid connections.

If you’re in Texas and looking for a therapist who can support you on your journey, please feel free to contact us.