How to Deal with Getting Ghosted in a Serious Relationship

Getting ghosted might be a newer way of saying it. But someone suddenly “disappearing” in a relationship is nothing new. And, no matter what you want to call it, it can be very painful for the person who was ghosted. Unfortunately, we know how tough these situations can be for people. Whether it’s in our relationship counseling the individual work we do with clients in trauma therapy, we often hear these stories of ghosting and see the pain first hand that people go through when it happens.

Being ghosted essentially means someone leaves or stands you up without warning. No phone calls, no text messages, and no explanations.

It’s more common in first dates or early on in relationships, but it does happen sometimes after a relationship has lasted for a significant period of time. Sometimes it’s because the person was looking for another relationship or was having an affair.

It’s also very common in our online dating world. This type of dating  However, it’s also common to get ghosted in a long-term, serious relationship. Unfortunately, that often makes the experience even more painful.

Dealing with getting ghosted in a serious relationship is difficult. While you can’t ignore the feelings completely, there are things you can do to make the process of getting through it easier.

Give Yourself Time to Get Over It

Any kind of breakup or separation in a long-term relationship is difficult. Especially when the breakup blindsides you. After all, experiencing the pain of your partner simply “vanishing” is dreadful.

One of the biggest mistakes people make is acting as though it doesn’t bother them or trying to move on right away.

While moving on eventually is important, it’s equally important to give yourself time to grieve the relationship. Let your emotions out and find someone who will listen to how you feel.

It can help to have a support system in place. Friends, family, or even a therapist can help you deal with the things you might be feeling.

There needs to be a mourning period when something like this happens in a relationship.

Keep in mind that it won’t last forever. In fact, you can give yourself a “cut off” period. But, before that time, don’t be afraid to really set your emotions free and do what you need to grieve.

We also recommend mindfulness work, because this can help people find more contentment in the present. Mindfulness can be described as practicing present awareness of feelings, while also recognizing that they’ll pass. It’s hard to remember that in the moment, but it’s true that no emotion can last forever or at an extremely intense level.

Don’t Over-Analyze

It’s tempting to think about what could have possibly gone wrong in your relationship for your partner to just leave. But, that often leads to over-analyzing, and it can set you up for a lot of extra pain. You might even fall into the trap of blaming yourself for what has happened. Being ghosted can kick up all kinds of fears and insecurities. Just remember that these insecurities have always been in your life in some way or another and just like before, you’ll learn new ways to deal with them.

Also, it’s important to remember you may never fully know why they chose to leave. It could be something you did that they didn’t like, or it could be something going on in their own head. The possible reasons why they left are endless. The truth is that your partner didn’t take the time to tell you what was happening, which didn’t allow you the opportunity to work on the relationship. And that part is never your fault.

Trying to figure it all out will only cause you more pain. Plus, it won’t allow you the freedom to fully move on.

Sometimes, relationships that end in ghosting don’t have closure. Again, this can be difficult to handle. Yet, trying to keep in contact with your partner or figuring it out on your own will keep you “trapped” in the confines of the breakup for far too long.

You have to find closure within yourself in order to fully move on.

Think About What You’ve Learned

In psychotherapy, we often focus on the lessons that people have learned in their lives. Whether a relationship is good or bad, we always learn something from it. Once you’ve gone through a period of mourning and you’re ready to move on in your life, it’s a good idea to think about what you experienced from your relationship.

Then, consider how you can use that to move forward in life.

Relationships help us to grow. You may never really understand why your partner left. Actually, that’s not even the most important thing. What you should focus on instead is how the entire experience can help you in your next relationship. Or, even with friendships or your personal growth.

Therapy May Be an Option

Talking to someone may be needed if you find yourself overwhelmed or stuck in the emotions or pain that was caused by ghosting. Remember, relationship trauma is common in these situations. Find a therapist in your area who you can open up to about your emotions. This will help you identify your fears, but it can also help you heal wounds.

Although the pain of being ghosted will likely subside, you may be needing to find someone to talk to. Good Therapy and Psychology Today maintain good directories of therapists in your area. And if you’re in Dallas area, you can learn more about the Vantage Point Counseling Therapists or Contact Us to see how we can help with relationships, self-acceptance, and trauma.

  1. My relationship of 4 months feels like it’s being ghosted. We’ve been together for awhile obviously so I never felt like this would’ve happened. He’s coming off distant lately with the cover up of how he’s stress over getting a new job. He’s been avoiding me for a couple of days and he’s response was “Hey what’s up I’m at home, won’t be able to hang out for a little while want to get resume and new job“. He expected me to not say anything else about it and I guess just let him talk to me whenever he felt like it. Being in a committed relationship like we had all this time I didn’t think it was acceptable and he should be reaching out to me if not no one else. I feel my time has been wasted of 4 months dating and he’s trying to throw it away over stress, and get a new job and a new life with someone else. This is not what I expected from my first ever relationship and boyfriend.

    • From my personal experience and what I’ve observed, you do not want to be the one twisting in the wind. He may be preoccupied and stressed. Okay, give him some space by being busy and unavailable. You don’t have to give specifics, but redirect yourself. Waiting for someone is a losing game. There’s no more effective way to get a guy off the fence. If he becomes insecure, opens up to you, be direct, be truthful, and be deliberate on deciding your own course. If he doesn’t, my dear, you never had him and there are too many worthwhile men out there.

  2. My boyfriend for 4 years ghosted me. he went for vacation and just as the plane landed in his hometown he blocked me, facebook, WhatsApp, viber, Instagram. and you know what hurts more? I found out he was engaged after a month. I never saw it coming because we were planning for our future together almost everyday we are together and never I would have felt that he is up to something.

    • My ex did the exact same thing. It says more about him than it says about you. If he can’t tell you the truth than that says he is a coward and a narcissist. You deserve better than trash.

      • Yes he is a coward I am dealing with this too after 2 years!! Who does that to someone really?!? I just don’t get it at all. I was so good to him!! Would have given him the world but he never would have then gone!!!

    • The same thing happend to me… its been 3 days now. He just randomly changed his number and blocked me off all socials. I was with him for 4 years. I feel so hurt can you tell me how you moved on from it.

      • My girlfriend of 3 years ghosted me 6 months ago and I’m still in severe physical and emotional pain over it. I loved her so much and I tried going on dates since then but all I can think about is her. I sometimes imagine we are still hanging out in my apartment cooking or whatever and I know it’s so unhealthy but I just miss her with every ounce of my being. I’m an artist and it’s effected my work immensely. I’ve lost weight. Trouble sleeping and heightened irritability. Also I find to be more emotional to mundane things now. I’m finally starting to consider seeking therapy.

        • I’m sorry…my gf of 3.5-4 years did the same…some bs about how we are going separate directions…I mean we did everything together…families loved us…after the deep freeze in tx…she saw me to “talk” for 2 hours…apparently everyone got married during covid and we didn’t yet…so poof…restricted on social media…she receives my messages but never responds…still have my stuff and apt keys…

          Just gone…I can barely be in my apt daily so I go sit at the park after work til dark…cry most of the time but feels better after…I really don’t know what to do…

          No appetite
          Can’t sleep

          I did start throw stuff away…anything that reminds me of her…including clothes I wear basically anything…I feels better…

          Good luck

    • I can’t think of anything that hurts as much as being cut off completely and blocked. It’s not just men that do it either. She did it to me early on in our relationship too. It didn’t last more than 24 hours, but I was devastated. I couldn’t believe what was happening. After we finally talked she asked me to Breakfast the next morning. As soon as we sat down she immediately said she was sorry and told me she would take the relationship way more seriously. All I asked was that she never do it again and to promise to always communicate no matter how uncomfortable she felt. Then I explained to her how awful it did feel. She apologized again and I could tell she felt bad because of the detailed agony I described. Now fast forward 2 and a half years and the only thing she did different was warn me that she her Mom advised her to stop talking to me and that she was going to listen to her Mom. That was literally it! The only thing after that was a couple God Bless You’s and I have nothing else to say. She has 3 boys 16,14,and 10. I was very close with the younger 2. So I wasn’t just losing my Love. She blocked me on Social media so I can’t even see pictures. What is it with people not caring about anyone but themselves these days!? Nothing says I don’t give a f_ck, never did, like getting ghosted or cut off and blocked! It hurts so badly! People like that have some bad juju coming their way. I should have left her where I found her. Or actually the state I found her in! She was a sex addict and actually wanted me to join her and one of her girlfriends after we met and I said no thank you. I’m not interested in sharing you with anyone, including another woman. That’s when she took me seriously and was open to having a serious relationship. Looking back I think I should have treated her like she wanted to be treated and moved on. And can you believe this woman gave me so much praise for being a father figure in her boys lives in the absence of their real dad. She loved telling me that I was 10 feet tall in her eyes. That I taught her what Love really meant and felt like. What a bunch of nonsense!!! I never thought in a million years I could ever hate this woman. It actually hurts me to hate her.

  3. You have my deepest sympathy. This must be devastating. I hope things are better for you by now. Stay away from this rat because he will likely be back. Change your phone number, address, and work place if you can. He’s toxic. Enjoy your new life without him.

  4. I was recently ghosted after 2 years by my boyfriend who I am employed with at the same company. No one at work knows and now with quarantine and furloughs,we do not have to see eachother until the end of May. His 65″ television and xbox along with all of his summer clothes are still at my house. 2 months of unanswered texts and calls. The betrayal suffocates me and my anger is blinding. I am numb from the pain and disbelief. I can not imagine trusting someone ever again. Who does this to a person? How? Why? I will never understand. My heart is broken, not because i lost the greatest guy, but because who i thought was my best friend played me as badly as he did.

    • The first thing to remember is there is a high probability that he is seeing or has connected with someone else. Think. A closure meeting would require that you ask him questions and he would either have to squirm , lie, or risk a highlyvemotional soon to be ex. In time if you are honest with yourself, you will have had clues that his feelings for you were not the same. In fact you were probably taking a lot if emotional hits to your self esteem, as you felt him pull away. Time, give it time. Delete his possible entry back into your life. Allow him to feel your absence from his life. It is onlyvwithbtime and healing that you will realise the magnitude of his disrespect to you at the end. Dont allow his bad behaviour to rob you of loving and trusting someone else. Evaluate, be honest, (particularly your own part e.g not communicating your own needs) take things slowly, and believe that there are thousands of genuine, nice men in the world.

    • Your story is as if I wrote it myself. I’m completely devastated- 2 year relationship and same situation

      • 4 years for me. It’s been a year and a half. It’s still hard especially when her nephew reaches out to me and calls me uncle still. I don’t want to cut him off, but we both never mention her when we talk. I was going through a rough time at work and I did complain to her about it over the last 8 months of our relationship which she did with me as well during her hard times at work or with anything. I let it ruin my life, I had a house in my name for us to start a family which we talked about. We were trying to have kids during the last year. I don’t know I feel like I treated her very well. Emotionally financially. I always tried to surprise her on her Birthdays and special occasions. I never cheated on her or hit her. It hurts to know I’ll never know. I have her number but I can’t bring myself to call her i figure she would of contacted me or unblocked me if she wanted me in her life and she blocked me on all social media except Snapchat but I haven’t tried to add her or call her. I feel like I lost my identity fiancé house career dog poof gone like magic. I can see red flags from the start of our relationship to when it ended but still I’ll never know. If she was cheating at least I could let go easier because I wouldn’t want to be with her, or she just would of sit down face to face with me and told me what was wrong I would of did anything to try and fix it but There was none of that I thought after four years at least look me in my eyes and tell me. But disappearing was easier for her. I’m sure she’s with another guy maybe even a kid or married by now. My mother left in a similar fashion she called one day and said she wasn’t coming back. I kept my guard up for a long time until my ex told me I didn’t have to worry about her hurting me and she was never going to leave me. I guess not having a lot of long term relationship experience I took that pretty literal. I guess I was a green pea. I usually am a say what you mean mean what you say type of personal honesty loyalty being genuine and having empathy were always important to me. I’m the type of person who will probably blame myself for the entire ghosting situation. I know it takes two but I’m not sure if this one will ever get over it.

        • I feel your pain Bryan, the same happened to me in February.

          My wife and I were together for five years and married for three. The difficult thing is that a week after she disappeared off the face of the earth, she actually had me arrested and charged with “controlling and coercive behaviour”. I’ve never tried to control anyone in my life and loved being married to her and daddy to her two young children. I invested tens of thousands into the refurbishment of her house (our home) and had taken on financial responsibility for sending her daughter through private school. Thankfully, the case was thrown out by the court in August before even going to trial, but there has been no contact from her since. When I was on bail, I couldn’t contact her, and I’m certainly not going to do so now – I don’t want to risk having an injunction or something taken out against me. I’ve never ever been in any trouble before (never even though of my name and the word “arrested” in the same sentence) and I’ve seen enough of the inside of a police station already over this.

          I’d actually thought she was happy – she always told me she was and that she loved me, right up to the last week we were together. However, I’ve found out over the last few months that she had actually been smearing my name amongst our friends for years, all the while playing the loving wife to my face and while I was around her in company. The punchline is that she moved her ex-husband (father of the kids) into what was my home THREE WEEKS after I left. He was there all during lockdown and then left again. I was told he was back for half term fortnight a couple of weeks ago, so it certainly looks as if she sees her future with him.

          That’s fair enough, nobody can make someone else love them. However, it’s the deceit that I find bewildering, culminating in me being completely blanked and then her walking into a police station to make up stories about me. I adored that woman and loved being the children’s daddy – literally would have done anything for them. It’s tough knowing that I’m unlikely to see any of them ever again.

      • Me too. 3 year relationship. Karma should get the people who do this to others

        • Me the fiance ghosting me now for more than a text message no call .the last msg I sent to him was :do u still love me .
          I’ve got no reply since then .I guess this is the end .no raison no warning …it hurt .wish I had just an explanation for..

      • My boyfriend of over 2&1/2 years just ghosted me out of nowhere & told me to leave him alone, via text, when we had planned to spend the weekend together for Valentines. ZERO warning!We legit used to live together!!! I’m so lost…

        • I feel your pain. Mine was talking about the house we were going to build this summer, and the vacation he invited himself on. He told me how excited he was to see me in a week (he’d been away for work). Then out of the blue he ghosted me.
          Why? How can you say you love someone, and them discard them like a piece of trash? I wouldn’t do that to someone I didn’t like, let alone someone I claimed to love. I hate him for hurting me this way.

          • I know I’ve was in a 10 year relationship and he was supposed to b here Friday so we could work some things out, but I got ghosted 🙁 it’s been 7 days nothing …our dog was very ill at this time , and he loved her ? But I was caring for her and ask him to stop by on his way to work he works out of town and see her because by the time he gets back in town she may not be here? he didn’t even show up he didn’t even call to see if I was OK nothing I called and cried I made a fool of myself I called so much and emailed him nothing not one word but five days before that he loved me and we made love I’m so hurt and I’ve been embarrassing myself so much I feel like a fool and I have no idea what’s going on I can’t believe I trusted him so much and he did this to me I can’t believe he did this 🙁

    • Same. I think The pandemic has something to do with it as well. I felt him pulling away last couple of months. He disappeared for a few days, then came back online. I asked him about it and said this is his default state to just disappear for a few days which is completely confusing as he’s never done that before. So now it’s been nearly a week and my last message has gone completely unread. Very disrespectful. I’m sorry this happened to you too.

      • i really feel your pain, it is not easy and it is mentally draining, im sorry this happened to you, people sometimes can be so damn cruel, i speak from a bad 7-year experience and still counting hhhhh so i hope you find peace, i am sure trying to do that too

        • It just happened to me. Im hurt but its for the better.I know your pain and would move on. So many things going wrong and this never makes for a good ending. Count your losses and experience the grief.

    • i am so sorry that happened to you, believe me i get what you’re feeling, i am currently in a struggle with myself about leaving the dearest and closest person to my heart that i knew for about 7 years of my life and i have never loved anyone as much as i love him and i never will, he never gave me my true value even though i was there for him every step of the way, i never disappointed him or failed to help him but he stood me up many times for his friends and other people and lied to me and ignored me and sometimes ghosted me and now during quarantine all of these bad memories are piling up and attacking me all at once and i cannot tell you how heartbreaking it is to feel this way all the time, i currently still am trying to find a way to let go of him but it is sooo hard to leave a person that took so much space of your heart and it is not easy doing it even if the logical thing is to leave and take care of myself but unfortunately when you show the person how much you love him it is gonna end up breaking your heart and taking away your inner peace which is way worse cuz you keep waking up and living your days like a walking corpse waiting for that person to notice and say sorry and make it up for you, sadly we don’t live in a world where dreams come true and people actually caring for one another all the time, but we gotta pick up ourselves and move on, hopefully you can find yourself and make a decision now that won’t put you in a deeper hole like myself, i truly wish i did that a long time ago cuz now it hurts even more so take my advice and love yourself and know your value, as cheesy as it is gonna sound no one deserves you more than you and if he won’t notice how amazing you are it’s his loss, i do hope we both can do that…….love and peace for you

    • Try being ghosted after 11 years no explanation except his family interference it hurt so bad it’s been six months he came back and told me he missed me so much and guess wat 4 days later his family which hates me found a way to get him away again it’s been 2 days I give up tables turn bridges burn and god will fix it all I luv him so much and did everything and more for him no woman involved every he was on drugs and his family blame me by the way I do none of them at all but I am bad for him oh well I gotta move on after 11 years which I can’t fully do I wish we could be like we used to be but it’s over I feel it and it feel like death

    • 7yr,& 7mo. Ghosted the first time by him on our first Valentine’s day together. He gave me gifts on Monday before Valentine’s day, then disappeared Friday after work. I called hospitals, the police, drove threw the night searching for my love, my sole mate. Finally reaching out to his family, they told me the truth I had been ghosted! Is his mo. He always find a way to come back, & I’m exhausted, always walking on pins and needles not knowing when the next time will be. It’s like going to the person you love’s funeral over and over again! Oh, he is my neighbor. He watches me through the window but won’t answer the phone the door a text nothing. ? I wish you the best for your future.

    • I am sorry Marika. I am going through the same scenario with a co-worker/SO. He comes across as a great person, but he ghosted me as well. I dread seeing him again when we all return to work. My feelings swing from complete depression to raging anger. I mourn the time I put into this relationship and how badly I was duped.

  5. Fiona,

    Great advice, so happy I read this. I just had the same thing that happened to me, blindsided. I was barely hearing from him, and he would never respond to my text until a day later, excuses why he didn’t call. It went from three years of him not getting enough on the phone, being upset when I was busy to silence. I sent him a text yesterday, telling him that I know he purposely pushed me away so that I would do the breaking up. I haven’t heard from him and nor do I feel I will.

  6. My boyfriend and I have been together 6months and it was blissful. So blissful we decided to quarantine together. We ended up bickering a lot and in the middle of an argument he shouted out “we should just break up.” I was shocked but to alleviate the pressure building I started packing up my things and told him I would leave the next day, since it was late in the evening. The next day I confronted him on the way he broke up with me and he said he didn’t mean it but he still thinks we need space and I should go home. I agreed.

    I picked up my computer and noticed his email was logged in and I when I went to log off I noticed he had signed up for Tinder. I confronted him on this and he said he assumed we were going to break up weeks ago because of all our bickering so he just was preparing himself. He didn’t want to talk about it he wanted me to leave and he said he would call me in a few days. It’s been a week and I haven’t heard from him. Should I confront him on al he’s done or move on?

    • I have been in a relationship with a man I met on line for yr and a half, he lives 3 hrs away, and everything was going smooth. He took me to Hawaii and on a cruise to Ensenada, birthday in Monterrey.. Sent me flowers things for my yard, he told me he loved me wanted to take care of me.. He was never a big texter, but the last couple months 3 to five owrds a day I would ask him why h e never really said anything but reassured me he loved me Hadn’t seen him since feb my birthday as covid hit..He used to say good morning etc, then it was just me doing it.. I text him said we need to make a plan to meet you come see me or I’ll go down there, I miss you I need to see you , need more then a couple emojis. Nothing been two weeks daughter said I’d been ghosted didn’t even know what that was. I’m 65 so is he. He treated me like a princess.. My heart is completely broken I cry all the time. We made plans for the future.

    • I’m guessing you met this guy online and you know when we meet people online it’s so exciting and beautiful and romantic. And then when real life hits in and you put yourself in the living situation that fast I’m not surprised that you guys broke up to be honest with you. Biggest mistake that people make is a rush because of passion and when we learn the things they bring on maturity I am sure that you will never make that mistake again. Not blaming you but I’ve seen this story a lot especially with people that connect over social media. And just remember at least it was only six months and not years and had a lot of investments like children and property and things that would’ve been very hard.

  7. Was ghosted after a 5 month “exclusive” “relationship” (we knew each other from working together while we were in hs) we both were supposedly only seeing each other, only live about 45 minutes apart and managed to only see each other about 2 times during that period. I would always invite her over, but something always came up, the final straw, was she was supposed to come hang out, the day comes, I text her in the am to confirm plans. And nothing. Text in the afternoon, still nothing. Just disappeared. I know she is okay because she has been active on social media. I just don’t understand how you can confirm plans the night Before and then flake out with no word of why. And it’s the first day we hadn’t spoken since initial contact 5 months ago. I really cared for this girl and just don’t know what went wrong! It just hurts losing someone you care about (who SAID) they care about you knowing that they are totally fine just walking away so easily.

  8. I lived with my ex, everything seemed perfect, we were planning to get married and our future together. Suddenly, I was at work and he sent me a message saying to get my things out of his house, no explanation, nothing. When I went to get my things, he didn’t even look at me, he was furious and refused to speak to me. Six months have passed and I still don’t know what happened, he blocked me from everything and didn’t answer any of my messages…

  9. I am completely blindsided by someone who ran after me, moved to be with me. Got me and then When I open up to him he now has seemed to have one foot out the door. He does things that hurt my feelings. When I say I am hurt, he gets mad at me and stops talking to me. He literally ignores my texts, me and my emails. I don’t get it. We have talked endlessly about how this hurts me. Yet, every time, he does it. It’s like he just writes me off. I have to turn myself inside-out to get him to talk to me and it’s like pulling teeth. I feel very hurt. Why won’t he just be honest and say he doesn’t want me anymore instead of being hot and cold. I feel so rejected and confused. I don’t son’t seem to know how to break the cycle and take my strength back.

    • Focus on yourself dear heart..
      Noone deserves that horrible treatment…be careful who you give your heart to these days there are people out there who have allowed demonic behavior infect them by not putting up walls to filter out such the times we are deserve happiness

  10. bullshit!

  11. Two weeks ago, my boyfriend of one year ghosted me. The whole situation was difficult from the start because while we both unexpectedly developed very strong feelings I was moving out of state at the end of the summer (2019). The entire summer we spent every second together, though, I didn’t think I would talk to him after the summer ended. Much to my surprised we confessed our love for each other the day before I left. At that point I knew I wasn’t going to be able to end it. We decided to continue as an open, long distance relationship. Without him, I was distracted and terribly sad but we messaged constantly and talked on the phone as much as possible. I felt really good about things. Since my move to the time of our breakup, we had only been physically in the same place for 36 hours. But our emotional connection had deepened so much I wasn’t worried about us working out. During quarantine everyone left a strain on their relationships. But I was so confident because me and mine had been doing it for months and were experiencing nothing new. April was littered with several heated arguments regarding differences in opinion on social issues. But we were never the type to shy away from controversial conversations so I didn’t think anything was out of the ordinary. In late April and May his communication was minimal and I felt ignored. We got in an argument about this and that was the last thing we spoke about. I didn’t think it would lead to a split because we’d overcome much worse fights before. But he blocked me on all social media and wouldn’t return my phone calls. Now I am such a mess. The pain I am experiencing is all consuming. Luckily I don’t really have much on my plate but that’s also kind of a bad think because I have nothing to distract me. I’m a very sensitive person with abandonment issues. No one deserves this but given my history, I feel like the pain runs a little deeper. I’m still in denial. I keep hoping this is just a bad dream and I’ll wake up any minute to my loving boyfriend. Or he’ll call any day now with a damn good excuse and a grand apology. Or that I’ll get word he’s died in a freak accident. Or that he’ll at least call me up give me a proper break up. I was so madly in love with him. We hadn’t been together long and most of that was spent across the country from one another but I was intent on marrying him (we’d discussed it many times). The level of devastation I am experiencing is unlike anything I’ve ever felt.

  12. I was ghosted after an 18 month relationship where I was showered with love and affection. We even talked of marriage. It felt mutual all the way. We had a blissful weekend together and then 48 hours later I was ghosted. She says she couldn’t think of another way to do it. I’m struggling to come to terms with the change in her almost over night. She’s autistic and I think this contributed to how she can do this. But I feel it’s not an excuse. I’m desperately heartbroken and struggling to get past it. How can someone who loved me so much do this? When we messaged about exchanging belongings she says she’s fine. She isn’t missing me. It happened two weeks ago. Feeling lost.

  13. Ghosted after 5+ years together.
    I get that He’s depressed, but to go from Talking everyday to not hearing from him for over a week, and not seeing him for almost a month…what’s that even about?
    I’m hurt and feel betrayed.If you want to end things-fine! Be a grown up and say so.

    I’ve tried reaching out, I’m ignored.

    I know he is still alive and not in jail or hospital. My friend lives near him and has seen him leave for work 2 days ago. I’d confront him, but it’s not worth my time.

    • This EXACT thing happened to me. I am just so confused.

    • Exactly same thing is happening to me right now. I am beyond hurt and Confused. Don’t understand how someone who says they love you, want you etc for years can do this to someone? It’s very cruel.

    • I’m facing the same. Why are men so cruel. 5 years and suddenly nothing. No way to even connect as I’ve been blocked from all sources. The heartache and pain just don’t seem to go. Every day one wakes up to the same question. is it really over? Will he be back? Was it my fault? The thoughts never end. It is so difficult to get on with lufe

      • The same situation. Been ghosted almost 2 months now. Been with him for 2 years. Then boom, he just vanished. The last day we talked involved an argument so that could be one reason but I’m sure there’s more to it than that. It’s a struggle. I reached out, messaged him a few times. Nothing. Just like you, waking up everyday anxious, it this really over? Would he reach out? Is he coming back? Should I hold on or move on? So hard…

  14. I was ghosted by my boyfriend of 3 years. We had a fight yesterday about how communication was bad in our relationship the past year because he never expressed his feeling or needs and that he didn’t show me love like I did. He had nothing to say to my rant so I just left him and went home. He hasn’t contacted me since. We were also best friends so I lost a best friend too.

  15. My boyfriend ghosted me it’s been 2weeks since we spoke. He told me he loved me then he dissapeared during the July 4th holiday.I stopped by his place he wasn’t home. I’m so confused and hurt. Should I go back to his house? I want to know why. We’ve been together for almost 2 years.I know he is cheating.

  16. I’m going through the same thing. My boyfriend of almost three years has recently started to pull away from me. We went from talking all day everyday, spending as much time as possible together to me not even being able to see him for 10 minutes. Everything and everyone else is more of a priority to him than I am. It really hurts because he said he loved me and wanted forever with me but now it’s like I don’t matter. Did I do something wrong? He says it’s not me it’s him but he’ll go days without saying anything to me. He’ll make “plans” to spend time with me, only to flake out at the last minute. He’s been working nonstop throughout this whole COVID thing and I know he’s tired but he has time to do what he feels is important to him. He’s even told me that he can tell that I’m not happy with him, but that not true. Maybe I’m overreacting. I just feel like he’s trying to get me to break up with him so he can seem like the good guy.

    • This sounds just like my situation. We had a normal conversation, and I got a good night text. The next day I got a text saying he was staying in that night and I was free to do what I wanted. I told him I was going by his house to bring him something I had bought him and he said don’t come, I am not home. I was already there by that point and he was home. I have not heard anything in a week. I don’t know what to do we talked about every night, texted everyday. i am so lost and broken right now.

    • Your probably right Carmen, some people can be so wrapped up in their own self preservation and outward image that they can easily overlook the damage they cause to people who are left behind trying to work out what happened. Cut and run while you can and give him the same thought as he gives for you. I have put up with 5 yrs of trying to make sense of it and all the time focused on his needs. I am now at a stage that feel stupid for thinking he was going through a bad time. I am now at a stage when I reflect on the bad time I have been through. Join the self preservation society today and walk away xxx

  17. I ghosted my boyfriend of five months, not because he was at fault for anything but because I think im selfish in the relationship and he doesn’t really get me all the time. Im trying to give him space so he can decide if he still wants me or not. Is this going to work out?

    • No not if he has any self-respect for himself no not if he has any self respect for himself. Do you have any idea how much that hurts not to know why you just suddenly drop off the face of the Earth without any explanation it is hellish. I would leave you just for thinking that that was okay to do to someone’s psyche

  18. I have been dating this wonderful guy for a year, we were best friends for months before this. He proposed to me 3 months ago, I was very surprised, so we started planning to close the gap in August and finally move in together since we live in different states and only seeing each other a couple times a month is really rough. Then at the beginning of July he started acting a little Dustin and I asked him what’s going on, he said he’s just busy, he’s always honest with me, and it is the busy time of year at his job so I let it slide. Then it was three weeks of completely no answers on texts or calls, then she answered one call talked for 5 minutes and then hung up in the middle of a sentence. another two weeks later and no contact since. I just don’t understand. I don’t know what happened that my best friend has completely shut me out, that my fiance won’t talk to me. He won’t even answer just to say if the relationship is actually over so I’m sitting here in this exhausting heart-wrenching cycle of not knowing if this is temporary or if the love of my life has really left me

  19. That part about retaliation strikes home to me. My wife of 22 years disappeared one morning and never came home again. The whole thing boggled my mind because it seemed that we had a good relationship going on. We talked and very rarely argued, and then it would last just for minutes not hours or days.
    When a woman gives me the eye something in me shuts my brain down and I reject her. I’m in a recovery group and meet a lot of women and have rejected all who seemed interested. Then one girl and I were to meet the next morning and she didn’t show. Think that didn’t hurt? I think I’m way to aggressive towards women now even though I’d sort of like to meet a woman whom I could agree with. I simply reject them all. My brain goes “Stop! Danger, get away she’s going to disappear like they all do, it’s happened twice before. I have psych care through the VA, but Covid hysteria prevents me from seeing my private therapist. I guess I’m a bit crazy but I’m working on it. Thanks

  20. I am sorry to read all of these entries. My heart breaks for each one of you. I too have been ghosted, in a way. My boyfriend of nearly 12 years hasn’t talked or texted me since June 30th. I too am confused and hurt. We (or rather I) had a fight with him in late May via text―I had an anxiety attack, which rarely occur (usually about work), but alas, I focused it on us and said a lot of things that were in the heat of the moment, which, at my age, I knew better, and now I’m dealing with the aftermath of that. Those texts caused him to reassess our last two years together. (I urge you, if you are reading this, do not text when you are having an anxiety attack!). Without getting into too much detail, I fear now that he thinks that I want something that I don’t actually want―I was breaking down after the stay at home orders had taken their toll on my mental state. We saw each other a couple times in June, but it wasn’t the same as it had been prior to the stay at home orders (we both take COVID seriously, especially now that he was back at work), and what was always a very psychically loving relationship, didn’t seem the same since we couldn’t hold hands or touch. On June 15th, I texted him that I was willing to give him time alone (he didn’t request it, I offered it), because I thought maybe that I was adding to his stress. On June 24th, I asked if his silence had to do with us, and he replied that it did. The last I heard from him was on June 30th, and that we could get together to talk about us “next week,” because he had his 14-year-old son with him the entire week. He was right, that sort of conversation shouldn’t happen around a kid. But, that talk should have happened the week of July 5th. I was patient that week, I didn’t call or text, I waited for him to reach out; I waited for him to contact me. He didn’t. I know he doesn’t do well under stress and that he gets really focused on what is affecting him in the moment. I texted him the next week, that it was OK, that I would give him more time if he needed it. I still haven’t heard from him, despite a couple of “testing the waters” reach outs, in addition to the “I’ll give you more time if you need it” statements. I know he has a tendency to withdraw from everything and focus on what is most stressful (11+ years together, the longest relationship for both of us). You may be asking why we don’t live together? He asked me to live with him last year, and if COVID hadn’t happened, we would be living together now. He works in a restaurant, as a bartender. I work from home now. He has a 14-year-old son who has asthma, and of whom he has almost every day now, except Wednesdays and Thursdays. I know this may sound like I’m giving him an excuse, but he really does have more stress factors than I do right now. I guess the thing is, no matter how well we know someone, or for how long, we never know what it truly in his or her mind. I hope my situation works out, because 11+ years of loving someone is not something you throw away, or want to throw away. But, for all of you, I hope it works out too… be patient with others right now (you do not know what they are going through), live your life, and be true to yourself.

  21. So I have been doing ldr due to corona but we have been together since 2018. Everything seemed fine even though he cancelled a visit, something I put down to the globAl pandemic. My best friend apparently grew suspicious and did some serious Internet digging and found out that he is living with someone since April… I asked him about it and can see that he read it but no response at all. I never actually knew that heartaches could be physically felt before+ I’m pissed as hell. I did my own digging and found the other girl. Atm I am pretty sure that she doesn’t know I exists, should I contact her??

    • Hello Anna. No, I wouldn’t contact her. In the end, it was his decision to be dishonest to you. Furthermore, he’ll be contacting you. Relationships built on deceit and dishonesty will not last. And, when he contacts you…GHOST him. Sometimes, people such as he needs a taste of his own medicine. In the meantime, DO YOU GIRL… Take care of yourself and maintain a healthy life. There’s no point in giving any further energy to that situation.

  22. My boyfriend of 3 years simply disappeared from my life. We haven’t argued about anything, nothing happened for him to simply vanish…It happened approx 2 weeks ago, he’s been barely texting me, now he hasn’t texted me in 3 days…I feel so lost, I don’t know why this is happening, I am not being given a reason, we’ve been talking every single day for 3 years now, I am also losing my best friend, I miss him and he won’t even break up with me properly, for me to get some closure??? What have I done wrong???

  23. I’ve been in a 5 year, long-distance relationship. We made plans on him moving closer and getting married. He’s been having hard times in the city he’s living in due to COVID and closing his current life there. Three weeks ago he received a phone call that he wasn’t all too enthused to receive. I haven’t heard from him since. I’ve contacted his daughter and sister. Both of them are saying that he’s fine and they don’t want to get involved. I have no idea of what could be the problem. We were laughing before he received the phone call and in a good place. Sure he’s had some hard times, but I’ve remained supportive. I’ve sent text messages, made calls, and left messages… Still, no word. I’m not blocked because the phone just rings continuously until it goes to voicemail. Earlier, I was numb with disbelief. I’m not angry, but the pain and frustration of it all is overwhelming. I’m praying constantly for the removal of this pain and frustration.

  24. I am in the same situation after 6 years on – off -on again relationship. When somebody disappears that means that this person wants out. Doesn’t it? There should be no confusion. Just deal with that and move on. Also the infamous statement It’s not you it’s me always means the opposite. I am not a candy for everyone to love and I deserve that. Why not? Being humble is the way out of it. Don’t you think so?

  25. I was in a relationship with this man for 4 years. Since the very being we had issues, he lied about a few thing however I took him back. I always felt as if we could work out all our problems. Unfortunately about a week ago he said he need time for himself went on a fishing trip and haven’t heard from him ever since. I am so hurt because he actually had me thinking that we were about to buy our house we were going to get married and be a family. Obviously none of that will happen now I just dnt understand how he could be this way. A simple I dnt want you or it’s over would have been nice.

  26. I was in a long distance relationship for 5 years; he’s 9 years older than me (I’m mid-50s). We spoke 10 times a day, managed to meet up every 4-6 weeks and had plans on moving in together. I was looking for a job nearer to him, and he had my initials tattooed on his arm several. We are both divorced; he met my kids (he doesn’t have any). Three months ago today, we had a minor disagreement on the phone. I suggested we cool off and talk later that day. Well… I called him, but no answer. I called again the next day to apologize, I texted him, I emailed him and I called again to ask him to please call me back. NOTHING. During our relationship he had done this before for weeks at a time; and my girlfriends had warned me to get out. I didn’t listen, and we would get back on track but it was me re-instigating it each time. The conversations and times we had together were amazing – shared many of the same interests and goals. He told me daily how much he loved me. Now it’s the pandemic – he knew my Dad was end-of-life, he knows I live very close to the wildfires in Oregon – but nothing. No call to see how I”m doing; and certainly no message returned. I heard a song yesterday that reminded me of him, and that was about music and guitar playing (one of his interests/talents) and I sent him a nice email about it, telling him I hoped he was doing well. Still nothing. I need closure so badly; I am in therapy for this as it mirrors the end of my marriage (my ex just left the kids and I one day – ended up he was cheating, and refused any marriage counselling etc). I don’t know if I should call his mother and ask if he is dead? I’m beside myself in pain mostly because I can’t believe how cruel he turned out to be; it just makes me feel so worthless and invisible. I think he knows this – he is a veteran (24 years) and has lots of scars and trauma; and I think (sadly) this behavior goes with his punitive, black-and-white personality – it’s just so cold-hearted and beyond understanding. The irony is that I still love him, though heaven knows why. But I want to move on; I know a relationship with him would NEVER work out. I want to heal and move forward, find wonderful, loving man whom I deserve; I’m working hard on that and facing my traumas. Thanks for listening.

  27. I was just ghosted too, he was a client (I do massage and acupuncture) and I saw him every week for 4 years and we became friends. Then my boyfriend of 6 years cheated on me with a friend and he helped me to move out and completely love bombed me even though I told him I was too fragile to start another relationship. It was lockdown and I stayed at his alot, but when I started doing stuff in my life again he got controlling and passive aggressive, then ghosted me. I sent him a message saying I could only assume he was finishing it and I could only respect his decision and his wish to not talk about it… he replied by text that he was going through a hard time but would like to still come and see me in my clinic? You cant end a relationship by ghosting someone and finishing with them by text and then expect to be able to continue with any type of relationship. Told him I needed to move on and blocked him on all social media.

    • i wish i can as strong as you are, i am still trying to find a way to let go of the person i love the most that i know for 7 years now and still counting , he never treated me as i deserved, he stood me up many times, lied to me, chose other people over me, ignored me and sometimes even ghosted me even though i always was there for him and never failed him and gave him my full heart and soul and now with quarantine it is so hard to deal with this when im alone with my thoughts, i cry every day and want the ground to swallow me to get rid of this heartache…
      i am sooo sorry this happened to you and i truly believe you will find your way, you deserve better

  28. I was dating someone for a month and everything was going great. After a little over a month one weekend his upbeat personality started turning dim. The “I love you’s” stopped and he started replying to my messages hours at a time. One day he was being his upbeat self then just went silent. He wouldn’t respond to any of my texts and waited 3 days before he read them. The part that kills me the most is he didn’t remove me from social media friend lists. I was expecting that if he ghosted me he would at least block me on social media and block me from texting. That would make me believe that he truly ghosted me. Now it’s hard to imagine that the sweet guy I knew would turn cruel like a switch and keep me on his socials even though he doesn’t post anything. I even messaged him on socials and he hasn’t been online or read my messages. I just wish he would give me closure

    • A similar thing happened to me today. I had been dating a guy for a month and a half. We talked three days ago and everything was completely normal. We FaceTimed before bed and he told me he loved me. The next morning I sent him a text and just never heard back. I got blocked on all social media. I don’t understand how you go from seeing each other every day and sleeping over every night to just never talking to someone again but some people are just messed up.

      Honestly the unanswered texts should be closure enough. If he’s not man enough to be upfront about how he feels In the first place he’s never going to give you the closure you’re looking for.

    • I got one for you, a long time friend, first girl friend first kiss kind of shit shows up after 20 yrs or so. She gives me the her husband I’d x, y, z the worst person ever, hell i even took her to buy a gun as she was somewhat scared of him. This girl was amazing, I’ll always have a place for a long time friend such as her, anywho…..she pops up one night to get down, loves it…….makes me commit to only being available for her, I comply treat her really good, buy her stuff, always go/do whatever she wanted, great sex……a real reconnection out of a fairytale…….this leads to her going thru with a divorce (or so she told me), everything is going really really great. As her birthday approaches about 90 days into this whirlwind and all………this woman without admitting it to me, took her exhusband back and further more basically ghosted me!!!! WTF……..I HATE WOMAN! Only a woman could pull off some cold hearted shit she apparently has done…….Oh well……..this is a fairytale in every sense of the imagination, it was all too good to be true and ended as bad as it was good, and I seriously am just shocked…….but I should never ever estimate what a woman is capable of, truly groundbreaking level of low down shit IMO

      • Dude,

        if you haven’t noticed, more than half of the posts on her are from WOMEN who were ghosted by MEN. How can you write off the entire other half of humanity based on your ONE experience with ONE woman? Don’t ruin your own life by blindly hating people. Sounds like you have to work on yourself. As a woman, I would run like hell from someone who feels comfortable writing the words “I hate women.” Serial killers, anyone?

        Also, moderators, are you really allowing someone a platform who straight up admits they hate women because they got burned by one? This is literally the definition of sexism. There are literally thousands and thousands of women murdered have been murdered by their partners because they got spurned. Sometimes the guy goes ahead and kills her whole family.

        Come on.

  29. My girlfriend of 10 years is goasting me what can i do to get her attention again this is the most painful feeling ive ever had

  30. I was just ghosted by my boyfriend of 6 months. We met online and due to both us working long hours each week we couldn’t meet. We finally planned to meet on a Sunday when we both had off. The days before he ghosted me he was the sweetest man ever. Two days before we were to meet he once again said he wanted me to be his wife and help raise his daughter. I was over the moon he had told me this before but he promised to say it to my face and he meant it. He said he was being honest like he had the whole time we’ve been together about wanting a life with me. The day before he kept talking about all we would do and that he couldn’t wait…. one of the last things he said to me that he loved me. Heard nothing the rest of the night and into the morning. I called him once and then again to find out he had blocked me on the second call sense it didn’t go through. I’ve never been so in love he treated me like a queen and the saddest part he said he’d never ghost me. He over and over again reassured me all my overthinking was for nothing he’d always be there to love me. He knew that was my biggest fears yet he did it to me now he gets to live his life and I’m heartbroken. I have no way of ever finding out what happened….

  31. Married 31 years, 3 kids, my wife has ghosted me. She asked for counseling on July 4th, and then didn’t go. She moved out on August 3rd after having sex with me on August 1st and filed for divorce on August 10th. She signed a year lease for an apartment 45 minutes away on August 22nd. We were talking, said she needs space, hinted at reconciliation on October 11th. Both her and everyone I ask swears she hasn’t found anyone else. Ghosted me on October 16th. Still meets our 17 year old son for dinners weekly. I still do not have a clear reason why. I never cheated, there wasn’t any abuse. I feel like I am being punished, tortured. She was my best friend for the last 32 years of my life.

  32. I was with someone for 3 years, I knew he was cheating and sleeping with other women throughout that time. I had a couple of affairs of my own too it was a very unhealthy toxic relationship and I realize that now. But towards the end I distanced myself I couldn’t take it anymore the games he would play he expected me to stay home while he flew around the world messing with other women, he was in the army and was damaged. He thought he could tell me what to do when to do it and I told him once you show me you can commit I will too. He didn’t so I didn’t. Towards the end I got tired very tired so I distanced myself then I reached out to him to talk and he wouldn’t answer and then he finally answered when he was ready and he said I want to see you I’ll never forget he picked me up we talk and he said I’m moving to Texas that’s where I’ll be finishing my deployment and he said I want us to start over work on things and I cried and was so happy and he said I’ll be here tomorrow night to pick you up to ask you something ok? He said I promise I’ll be here ok? And he said it with tears in his eyes I never been so excited I went home couldn’t sleep and when the time came he never showed. I never heard from him again he moved his social media is Gone all his accounts his number is changed I have no idea where he is. I still think about him. Is it wrong that I do? I go months without thinking of him but lately I have been I don’t know how to cope with this any help?

  33. Guys and gals, I feel your pain. My STBXW informed me via a text message that “a divorce doesn’t have to be acrimonious “. I don’t think she even knows what the word means. Then poof. We went to our high school prom together in 1988 and after 32 years (26 married) and 4 innocent children she didn’t have the decency to have a conversation with me. I am 5 weeks in and not a word. I never knew about NPD but I have now come to the conclusion that she has probably cheated if not more than once.
    I will tell all of you that the good in us all will prevail over this evil. People that do this are destined to swim in misery because good only come around in life when it is deserved.
    I am fighting the grief demons and I only want to protect my 2 of 4 children left in the home. I will fight the endless fight for their sake. God will be there for all of us suffering.

  34. I don’t want to marginalize the brave men who have posted about their heartbreaks here because it’s really brave to be able to talk openly and honestly about your life without judgment or self-hatred but I read through this ENTIRE feed and overwhelmingly it is men ghosting women.

    I want to know why? Why does this at least appear to be a thing that guys do to women? Again I’m not trying to erase the men who have experienced this, but if you did the math it might be 95% women who have posted here. I’m also not trying to say all guys are jerks. I really want to know why does this seem like men are more likely to do this behavior of ghosting?

    It makes sense to me that a guy would be more likely to do this because guys tend to be less in touch with their emotions maybe? What does this ghosting habit have to do with the way guys are socialized differently than women in our society? Dare I say gender roles have a play in this? What do you think?

  35. I think guys feel afraid of upsetting the woman and breaking up in person. Instead of going through the drama of the break up they would rather compartmentalize the situation and ghost you. Also it is something they had been planning and randomely act on. When things got rough with my guy and we kept arguing he told me I will disappear and he did. Knowing why the ghosting happened helps but it hurts that he didnt want to be with me enough to work out our differences. Then when i thought about the big picture i know the relationship could only work if I lowered my standards and lost myself.

  36. I was ghosted by my boyfriend of 3 months. He has been ignoring me for more then 2 weeks now and at first he would just leave me on read but now that I texted him to just to go back to being friends he won’t open the message. What bothers me more is that he watches my story on Instagram yet he won’t open my messages… what hurts more is that we were close friends before we started dating and we almost broke up last month and he said he didn’t want to resent me our ruin the friendship but then when I said could he break up in person and we meet up he said he didn’t know what I was talking about when I mentioned what he said the days prior about the break up. The last thing we talked about was me saying he was indecisive and he got upset and said it wasn’t being indecisive but finding purpose and he ended it of with “you know my brain better then I do though apparently” 🙁 he has a lot going on in his life but this honestly hurts and I just hope he comes back like nothing happened. We have many of the same friends too…

  37. My boyfriend and I had a really bad fight and it’s been 4 days now that he’s not responding to any of my texts or calls. Should I consider this ghosting? We’ve been together for 2 years.

  38. I’ve read all your stories and they all are so similar, in the end at least. Mine is no different than most of yours except for one thing. My ex and I lived together for 11 years. We shared a house, made a home; several times. She made me feel like a man should. Fully confident, fearless, wise, and wanted, for about 10 1/2 years. I figured that we would be together no mater what, till the end. I had no idea that she wanted something else. No idea because she would agree with me, Tell me she loved me every day. And so on and so on.
    This all happened about, wow; four years ago now. For the most part im past it now but i still think of it. See what happened was, long story short, we had run into our first real financial trouble that we’d ever had. Longer story short, it occurred to her that she could go to her sisters in Florida (we were in California) and stay rent free for a short time, we both could get a little money saved and she’d be back. She kept me dangling for a whole year, i bite my tongue as hard as i can, patient as hell and i never pushed her or said much about it until that year was fast approaching. mind you our conversations on the phone were not at all normal. The told me that she missed me exactly zero times.
    All i got was,” I think i changed my mind”. She said, “why would i come back, there is nothing for me there”? There was literally nothing i could do. We spoke briefly a day or two later and that was it. She would not respond to anything after that. Sure i tried. Wrote all kinds of emails. Mad, sad, Defeated, vengeful, funny, happy. Nothing. 12 years together, she was my best friend, we did everything together. We had everything in common, it was great, tons of fun, and she was gone. I still feel like she did things that way to somehow make it easier but it didnt work at all. My entire world, absolutely every single thing was completely destroyed. Devastated doesnt begin to even come close to describe what i have had to go through. And sure, like i said; im past it but what is left is still all around me. Im no where close to the guy i was. She ruined me to the core and whats so difficult to take is that she didnt need to. But And its a big but, I do understand that the more fucked i was, meant the less she had to deal with. in other words for her, the transition was seamless and clean and easy to not think of me because in her mind whatever lies she told were good enough.
    Any ways, its taken basically all this time to get her out of me. I guess its easy if you want to but if you dont want to, if you never thought you’d need to its something that i cant even say, i dont know a word for what its like but its like really really really hard and really really really awful.
    Some days i feel like im not living for anything anymore, Im truly surprised to find myself alive honestly. I try most of the time but i dont know why, i just know im supposed to.
    I hope my story helps some of you to not feel so bad, it should. Even without a lot of detail it should help. Thats why i wrote it anyway. Mindfulness will help.

    • My bf of 9 yrs sent me a 2 sentence txt n refused to speak to me since. He was my best friend. We were making plans for our future….ive always been there for this man, never cheated, never turned my back on him. Hes raised my 12 yr old daughter with me. I cannot begin to put into words how this feels. Fucking soul crushing and all consuming comes close maybe. I literally dont know wut to do with myself.

  39. So I found this article when I was searching online in an attempt to understand the “ghosting mentality”.
    These people from Vantage Point are right in that sometimes we simply do not get the closure we need in order to properly close that chapter of our lives, and move on. When this happens, we have no choice but to give ourselves the closure we need. Though most of us do not know how to do this.

    I was with who I truly believed (unfortunately still do) is my soulmate. (I do believe in these connections, although I also believe a soulmate can be anybody, not only a romantic love). Anyway, I knew that he had a very rough childhood, and mostly lived with his dad who was from Sicily, didn’t know much English, not affectionate at all, and actually was abusive (sometimes to my ex, mostly though to his wives). Now here is the reason I’m saying all this…
    His father was married 4 times before passing away a year before my ex and I got together (from cancer and COPD). Now, they say the safest time to escape an abusive relationship is during the night. The women did just that. My ex recalls vivid memories of being asleep and his fathers wife would whisper they needed to go and wouldn’t be back but that they love him. Happened every time. And then his father would have a “replacement wife” lined up to move in right away. *repeat cycle 3x* so my ex’s view of women, is that we always leave. He felt abandoned. He got the nurturing and gentleness from these women. The cuddles and the homework help and the meals. But he idolized his father…. he knew what his father did was wrong, but it was probably easier and less painful to view the woman as the cold hearted abandoner, and his father the victim, than the other way around. He KNOWS this isn’t true but I think the young boy inside of him still thinks it is.

    This is what shaped my ex’s overall concept of women, and of relationships from a very young age. In fact, he’s been in therapy many times in the past but unfortunately I think he gave up too quickly because he was afraid to face his traumas (the abuse, WITNESSING the abuse to women, his dads drinking, and his death). At 16 he was diagnosed with ptsd, as he cannot recall any memories from age 6-11.

    Promise this all Is going somewhere……

    Simply put, my ex has major trust issues. He’s very sensitive and emotional. Loving and affectionate and LOYAL. …………UNTIL he feels threatened.

    Over the years I’ve learned SO SO SO much about attachment, and trauma and it’s affects on our adult relationships. I personally believe we ALL have trauma. I grew up thinking I didn’t because I came from parents who are still married, never ever fought in front of my brother and I, lived in the same home (Never moved), etc BUT I’ve since learned that although MY trauma is “nothing” compared to others, it still affects my relationships…
    I hate conflict. Avoid it at ALL costs. It’s super uncomfortable for me and I think it’s because my parents DIDN’T model HEALTHY conflict resolution. Also, I love my mom very much but she used to call me lazy and unmotivated etc , Which, at a young age sticks strongly to a child’s psyche and I began to take these labels on as my own. See the irony here? I seem to attract the men that NEED conflict and even create it when there is none in order to feel “normalcy”. I run from it… hence creating the “runner/chaser” dynamic.
    Now at age 34 I can see not only the dynamic of my last relationship, but ALL my past relationships.

    Now that you have a little of each of our childhoods, here is my story about ghosting.

    My ex and I were together for 5 years. We lived together, and we have a (now) 6yo daughter together. He ALWAYS would accuse me of “not loving him”, talking to other guys, cheating, lying, etc. I have never NOT been cheated on or left for “someone better”. But I have never ever cheated. I was patient with him for a long time but after a couple years or so I got fed up with the constant interrogations that weren’t at all warranted. I told him he probably needed to try therapy again and I would go with him if he wanted me to. This was the Man I wanted to be with forever but he was so broken. And after a while I had to come to terms with the fact that no matter what I did, I could NOT FIX HIM! About 6 months before he ghosted myself and our daughter, we were evicted from our apartment because at that time only one of us was working and we couldn’t afford it. My daughter and I moved back home with my parents, and because my ex didn’t have family (and my parents didn’t have the space), he temporarily moved in with a coworker. That was when our relationship REALLY started to sink. His fears and insecurities/abandonment issues were amplified. We began fighting more, and I always felt like I needed to defend myself. Through that coworker he moved in with, he ended up meeting a woman 10 years older than him. She had a (then) 7yo daughter, and was recently divorced. I know it’s pretty much expected that we are going to loathe this new person. No matter who they are. But she is 100% without a doubt a female version of his father. (I saw this first hand, when she tried to attack me in front of my daughter, all because I still loved him.)
    He wasn’t “allowed” to talk to me AT ALL. Mind you, ALL I wanted was some kind of explanation. All he would say (thru texts) was that he needed some space to step back and reevaluate everything. But less than a week later I found out on Facebook (along with the rest of the world) that he was “in a relationship with ______” When I texted him, SHE responded (very abusively!) they are still together to this day…it’s been 4 years. They were engaged after just a couple of months. I never understood how he could be so heartless…. to not only stab me in the heart, but twist the knife and yank it out. I never got closure. I’ll never understand what happened or why he felt he needed to ghost me. Maybe it was her influence. Idk but my heart goes out to each and every one of you! Ghosting is more painful than everything else I’ve experienced so far in my 34 years of life. Combined. Because we blame ourselves. And especially when there’s a child/children involved because we believe we “contributed somehow to our family falling apart”. Understand that you DID deserve a proper break-up. You DID deserve the TRUTH. If he/she left because of someone else, know that they are ABSOLUTELY NOT happier now without you!! And know that you will come out of this much stronger. It isn’t about you. It was NEVER ABOUT YOU!! It’s about the ghoster being selfish, and emotionally wounded and immature. This woman “forced” my ex to stop taking our daughter every weekend in 2017 (for 2 years almost) because the woman still felt threatened by me ?so he ghosted our daughter too. It was heartbreaking alllll over again to know he was more than ok being his 3 year olds first broken heart. That told me so much about his character, and the fact that he wouldn’t stand up to her, the fact that his Codependency is something he isn’t even AWARE of yet, and the fact that he is blind to this abuse from her, made me partially happy that he disappeared from our daughters life. Because I didn’t want her in a toxic environment anyway. She was better off with me. At that point I really thought things would never get better. Now fast forward to feb or so of 2019. He finally reaches out. He was shockingly a bit defensive, saying something like “we both have caused this to be what it is has been…” blah blah blah. Man was it hard to NOT fly off the handle because BOYYY did that set me off! But I bit my tongue, remembered it isn’t about ME, and obviously he is defensive because he doesn’t know how I will react at this point… I don’t regret being the bigger person. I had no choice if I wanted my daughter to have a relationship with her daddy, I had to ignore my ego and focus only on the best interest of my daughter.

    Now, it’s 2021 and him and I are FINALLY to a point where we can laugh and talk, he doesn’t just hand my daughter to me and drive off in a hurry (he does NOT bring his gf…if he did, it would NOT be this way!)… for many of you here it is very different because your person just *POOF!!* disappears… many of you never see this person again. To me, seeing him feels like both a blessing and a curse. It truly feels like grieving a death, not a relationship that didn’t work out.

    I am still not over him. I have not dated in 4 years and I am focused on self discovery. I’m also DETERMINED to make sure this never happens again! I never thought I would say this but I have genuine compassion for him now. It was beyond messed up what he did and how he did it. SOOO messed up!!! But given the way he grew up,I cannot deny it makes a lot of sense. Now when I see him I see a broken little boy who just wants to be loved. He left me “before he was left” because he was convinced I would. It’s irrational, yes. But it felt true to HIM. He also now has cancer, as his father did. I’m glad he and I made amends but it took time and a LOT of work on my part. Now my daughter gets to see her daddy every week, and looks forward to it. As for me… this will probably blow your mind but I still love him. Just as much as I always did. I really don’t know why, but if he tried to come back, it would take a hell of a lot of strength to turn him away! I know….. sounds crazy huh? For anyone going through the pain of being ghosted, you likely won’t get the closure you seek. And I can speak from experience, that reading lots about childhood trauma, attachment theory etc, can be really helpful in realizing the red flags that WERE there, the ways you are both triggered and WHY, as well as get a deeper understanding of why you were ghosted. In my situation at least, I LEARNED the truth rather than being fed a BS lie, so I was better off in hind sight. It’s never about us. It’s about them. ❤️

    Sorry about the novel guys, I hope my story helps someone suffering from this kind of trauma ❤️

  40. My first love was my ghost.. we dated for 9 months and that’s the longest I’ve had a relationship also we were both each other’s first time (don’t mean nothing now does it ?) lol), I still feel like I should of been over this by now after a couple years but it still hurts till this day and I truly feel like I’m damaged and screwed in the head as of a result of it . Keep in mind she knew how I was at the time (clingy)&(emotionally immature) so she knew from the beginning that I was a person who desired closure if anything were to happen between us. Looking back at it she probably did it intentionally cus of the first and final argument we had wasn’t as nasty as you may think but that would be the last ft she ever answered from me until she turned into casper. It’s funny now cus she follows me on Instagram now and snoops at my account probably just to see if I downfall.

  41. My first love was my ghost.. we dated for 9 months and that’s the longest I’ve had a relationship also we were both each other’s first time (don’t mean nothing now does it ?) lol), I still feel like I should of been over this by now after a couple years but it still hurts till this day and I truly feel like I’m damaged and screwed in the head as of a result of it . Keep in mind she knew how I was at the time (clingy)&(emotionally immature) so she knew from the beginning that I was a person who desired closure if anything were to happen between us. Looking back at it she probably did it intentionally cus of the first and final argument we had wasn’t as nasty as you may think but that would be the last ft she ever answered from me until she turned into casper. It’s funny now cus she follows me on Instagram now and snoops at my account probably just to see if I downfall to validate her choice to leave me.

  42. Hi ,
    I’m sorry to disturb but I just have no one else to go to.

    Ive been together with my partner for almost 6 months now.
    It was going pretty well.
    Yea we are two different people in character , his more reserved but vocal when his needed to.
    I’m more jovial and outgoing person.

    We never had that super romantic ways of dating
    Like calling everyday or meeting up nor have we said I love you but we understood that we love and care for each other .

    Recently we had this huge fight
    I’m quite close to his sister and we went out this one time and I was talking to her in regards to a girl who’s mutual friends with my bf and his family and also started following me in social media and so I asked the sister who was this particular girl and if this girl actually likes my bf .

    Subsequently his sister went home and asked my bf directly with his mom there about this girl wondering actually who is she and this caused my bf to get so angry at me.

    He said I should have went to him first and not through his sister and he got mad at me and said he didn’t like my attitude and he just stopped talking to me since . It’s been 4 days now that we actually spoke and I really don’t know what to do.

    I’m down , I’m depressed
    I can’t eat , I can’t do my daily routines I can’t focus I just keep thinking what was the mistake that I did and how to fix .

    I’ve said sorry so many times .

    I’m just at dead’s end .
    What does he want me to do now .

    Does he need more time to be alone ?
    Does he want to leave me .

    I just really don’t know what to do except for crying and thinking about him.

    I love him so much I just want to
    Fix this .

    Pls help me .

  43. Valentines Day and I’ve been ghosted. I have been with this man for a year. We would always talk about our future and how happy we imagined we’d be together… and now no replies to messages, he won’t answer my calls and I can’t understand why. A week ago my grandfather passed away, he knows how difficult arranging the funeral has been. He knows I’m in a vulnerable position and he is choosing to put me through this now too. Makes me wonder if the past year was just one big game to him. I feel like I am dying inside. Reading your stories gives me hope that this torturous pain will ease eventually

    • That was the last week of Valentine’s Day that I’ve heard from my man. So sad. It’s almost been 2 months of pain, agony and struggle. Some days are better than others. It still hits me so bad. Trying to move on now..

  44. I’ve been with the same man for over 6 years. We had no issues outside of the occasional argument which I would say was more bickering than arguing. He started to feel unhappy with his job and naturally it was an issue that he brought home everyday until it started to wear on our relationship. After months of his pouting and sulking, I decided I had had enough and asked him if he was unhappy with work or me, and his reply was that he didn’t know, so in return I told him if he was unhappy at home then why was he still here. I just kind of had that moment where I was tired of the woe is me bs and snapped. He left. He said he would never be able to give me what I wanted and he just wasn’t a happy person and would only hurt me more. A few weeks later he said that he just reached his breaking point and couldn’t handle the arguing. Now mind you, we had never in all of our years together had a serious argument until the night he left me. I cried and begged and pleaded with him not to leave me. I apologized for things and I’m not even sure why. I know that I’m not perfect, but who is. He never wanted to talk about anything in our relationship that bothered him, so when he left, I didn’t even realize anything was wrong, and when he said he couldn’t handle the bickering….I still have no idea. I had no warning. He walked out after 6 good years and I have no idea why and will probably never know.

  45. Actually.. I would text a line or two to him, saying a final goodbye. In past, he has bombarded my phone- abusive level.

  46. I’ve been with my bf for almost five years now- and I feel like his little puppet toy he likes to play r we it’s whenever it’s convenient fir him- it hurts so bad- cuz I love him so much- . For the past five years I’ve always felt like I wasn’t good enough, or I wouldn’t know where I stand with him- it’s so frustrating- I don’t know what to do – I’ve tried many different approaches to this relationship and nothing has worked- he ghosts me all the time . I’ve tried convincing myself that it’s over and just to better myself and it has worked a few times until he comes back again and I fall back into the same routine with him. He will come back into my life and stay for 5-6 days then leave . And then he’d ghost me. And I’d be like wtf.?? Every time he leaves, I don’t know if I will honestly ever see him again and or when I would see him again. Half the time when he would leave is because he would have either a disagreement about something or I would ask him a question out of curiosity and he would get defensive and take off -and I’d get all upset cuz he wouldn’t talk to me in days- I’d be ghosted again. And this has been going on for close to five years now, this same thing over and over again. Like right now- we had made plans last night for me to go see him for the weekend and now he’s ghosting me! Ouch it hurts so bad!!! F***! Why?!!? Why ?!!! Why??! Why?!!?? I just don’t know! I’ve tried and tried and done everything to make it work and or get over him and move on- right when I thought I was doing better then ever he would come back into my life over and over again!! I don’t know what to do! He does help me out a lot financially cuz I don’t have much of an income – it’s a long story!

    • Almost identical to what I’ve been going through. Reading your experience, similar to mine…seems like these guys are insecure and every time they need a secure loving place to land they come to us.

      I think we’re more valuable and full of worth! You got this girl! Hang in there, the good ones are on their way! ~Brooke

  47. I have a huge problem… He has been my bf for more than ten fifteen years now… im sorry i stopped counting coz its a habbit of his to ghost… Then one time he went missing for three years.. i decided to move on have a new bf and he suddenly appeared again geez.. unfortunately it didn’t work out with the new bf coz of family and cultural differences… My ghost bf still msg me sometimes still telling me he is here etc.. then he disappeared again, now for more than 5 years… I cant handle this anymore i so…. want to move on but the thought of regret is holding me back.. what if all this time he was really serious… He already has things set (so he says) have the house ready, business etc.. im the only one missing. But then why does he do this? Your right… Its endless whys… If i am to move on from him i want it to be final… No looking back. Even if he comes back… I want to be fair to whomever i will end up with in the end if its not him. Its just so painful when i think that he’s been true to me all this time and when finally got his shit together is now back… but then im gone already… i feel like ill regret it 🙁 I tried and tried to get a hold of him and his family to atleast tell me whats happening… No luck it is so tough… Pls help T_T

  48. Ghosted last week, serious committed relationship 5.5 months. Met his 6 yr old daughter, all his family, hung out several times w him and his best friend. He stayed over at my home regularly, knew my 2 daughters and my family. Talked about marriage and children. Poof. Gone. First relationship at all since my divorce 10 years ago. Heartbreaking.

    I just know there is an absolutely amazing man out there for me. I trust the universe to give me what I need so direct that gorgeous loving man my way!! ❤️

  49. I could really do with some outside perspective or some advice, aside from “just move on” because if I felt like I had the tools to do so, I would.

    My girlfriend (long distance, we’ve been together for a little over a year and a half) hasn’t replied to any of my messages for 3 weeks now.
    At first I thought she had been in an accident (which was stressful enough on its own), since we used to talk for at least 4 hours every day, and she went to ride a motorbike with friends after not doing so for 2 years.

    After about a week of not having any clue what happend I found out that she was okay, which was both a big relief and a punch in the gut.
    But i told myself she just needed some time to figure some things out.(Naive, i know but don’t they say love makes you blind?)
    Since we had always told each other that we wouldn’t just disappear out of eachothers life.
    Fast forward to 4 days ago, when I had the “brilliant” idea to check the social media account of the guy she had told me not to worry about, the guy that she had no interest in.(wasn’t easy because im not really on any social media, but being desperate for information helps)
    And lo and behold.. his profile picture is of the two of them together along with a date (valentines day, real nice..) her name and a bunch of hearts.

    Made me feel like my world ended and I got swallowed whole, I just stared at the screen in disbelief. And when it all came crashing down, I felt stupid for not trusting my gut, I felt betrayed by the person I love. I felt sad for the fact that she felt like she couldn’t tell me. Insecure about if im worthy of love. Angry for being played like a fool.

    Anyway, its safe to say that she’s found someone else, and didn’t have the heart to tell me. And instead lied to me about it for over a month, and then decided it was easier to just ghost me.

    The thing that’s bothering me most is not having any closure, not having heard the truth.
    The fact she has been lying to me since February and I had to find out myself after she started ghosting me. Leads me down the rabbit hole of thinking “well if she lied about that, what else did she lie about” and “did she ever really love me, or was I just some online fun” I find both of those hard to believe, since we’ve both helped eachother out of some dark places, but then I also never would’ve thought she would do this. So I really dont know anything anymore.

    (As a side note: I have been dealing with chronic depression for about 10 years now. I have had 5 years of therapy, which ended 2 years ago because I was doing better. Feel that was important to put here to showcase that I know what it feels like to feel like crap, idk)

    It would be an understatement to say that i feel like a broken man. I dont really sleep anymore, about 2 to 4 hours a night, mostly spend overthinking and being emotional. I’ve lost my appetite, im down to 2 forced “meals” a day. And I have been experiencing random emotional breakdowns, which i find embarrassing enough as it is. But even more so if you picture a grown man suddenly bursting into tears in the produce section. Never wanted to dissapear more in my life

    I’ve picked up running again, and im looking for a new job(currently unemployed, covid struggles) and just generally trying to keep myself busy.
    But none of it is really working. Whatever I’m doing isn’t distracting me from my thoughts, the what’s, why’s and what ifs. Im trying not to blame myself. But when it’s the third time you get broken up with, out of seemingly nowhere and without much explanation. And 2 of them end up with the guy I didnt have to worry about. It’s hard to not take some accountability, since I’m the biggest common factor in those 3 relationships. I have also decided pick up therapy again, but there’s a waiting list and I won’t be up for another 3/4 months (which is already quite fast)

    I can’t really talk to anyone about this, she was the person I confided in. Which I guess is why I’m typing it out here, very unlike myself. But hey, desperate times and all.

    If you made it to the end, thank you for taking the time and sorry for being all over the place.

    PS. I realise I don’t make her look too good in this, but she truly is a kind person. And im sure that she’s dealing with a lot aswel and she made the best decision for her.
    I’m not here to get people to say how horrible she is, feel like I had to mention this since it is the internet and people are quick to judge

    PPS. I just realised I haven’t really asked a question. I’m not even sure I have a question. But if any if you have any advice on how to accept/let go. stop over-analysing my own, and her behaviour. Or just generally deal with this. Please let me know

  50. I searched this Topic and found this article. I believe I have been ghosted this week and it hurts deeply. Any other time, I would probably be fine but I have been vulnerable the last few months.

    Long story short was I was dating a guy i met for few weeks. We spoke daily on phone and on what’s app. He wanted us to have dinner on Saturday with lockdown being eased and restaurants with outdoor space now open. I was excited as I haven’t really been out to eat since November. He sent me a really nice message before bed about how he was glad we met and how he was looking forward to the weekend.

    The next day i sent a what’s app message and noticed his picture displayed was blank and message remained on 1 tick. I didn’t think anything at first. I messaged lunch time and still 1 tick. Again I thought maybe his phone died. I called in the evening and it went to voicemail.

    The following day I sent a text message instead and it remained on “pending status”. I started getting a little concerned. After sending another what’s app message which remained on 1 tick it dawned on me that he may have blocked me on whats app. This suspicion was validated when i saved his number on my work phone and was able to see his photo and that he was online 5 mins ago. The realisation hurt me deeply. I started questioning, what did I do, things seemed perfect.

    I tried calling but this time it wasn’t even going through. I was tempted to what’s app from my work phone but thought there was no point. If he had blocked me then he was not interested.

    I really feel down about the whole situation. I even bought a new dress to wear out for the dinner that would have been yesterday evening. The whole experience has left me questioning myself. What’s wrong with me, was I not good enough etc. Just thought I would share as I am up near midnight trying to sleep and forget the whole experience.

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