The Key to Sexual Desire is Responsibility
Frustration is the most common reason that I see couples who are dealing with low sexual desire. One person is frustrated with the other person. In fact, both are usually frustrated with each other. They struggle to sexually connect, but don’t know what to do about it. Both people will ask for certain things, and they get frustrated when it’s not returned.
The thing that I often see missing in these relationships is personal owning some of what needs to change. This isn’t about blaming or shaming. Instead, if you’re in a relationship with someone, you both play a part in this. It’s not only the other person’s fault that you ended up in this position. In fact, fault misses the point altogether.
Before diving too deep into discussing responsibility, I have to first offer a disclaimer. There are limits to this. You need to know your own boundaries. This will come down to answering these 3 questions:
1. How much effort are you willing to put in to make a change in this relationship?
2. What do you concretely identify as a sign of effort from your partner?
3. How long are you willing to wait for change?
When you are aware of these answers, you can begin to look at your sexual relationship in a different way. You can figure out what you can change to open up a pathway for increased sexual desire. Don’t think that this is possible? I want you to take this into consideration first.
What thought processes are you going through that could change your outcome, if you changed how you were thinking about them? Many people find that when they change their thinking to a more hopeful way, they notice that their relationship changes.
Also, people notice that when they change the answers they tell themselves to questions, things change for their relationship. Whether than making harmful assumptions, this encourages people to start asking important questions about this. You can learn more about your partner and their desires. You can also learn about reasons that your partner is reluctant.
When sex works, it’s easy. When it stops working, it can be a disaster. This makes it easy to assume that your partner is causing the problems, or that you’re just not compatible. However, you might be more compatible than you think, if you find doorways that you can open.
People don’t question sex it when it works, because they don’t have to. However, when you’re struggling, you have to identify what you can do to make the experience better for yourself. This doesn’t mean that your partner has nothing to do to enhance the experience. It just means that you’re not off the hook with figuring this out either. Ask yourself what you can do to make the sexual experiences better and to increase your own level of desire. You can also discover what would make it easier for your partner to open up to you sexually.
It’s also important to be aware of what turns you on, and what turns you off as well. Many make the mistake of assuming that sex can only be meaningful when their partner figures out their algorithm of sexual desire. This creates many problems, because your partner doesn’t know what you desire most. This then leads to ongoing frustration, because you aren’t enjoying the experience, you are likely to feel frustrated, and your partner is likely to feel like they are letting you down.
This brings up the final, and maybe most critical point of all. This is about the importance of self-awareness. You have to know yourself. It is shocking how many people have not considered their own desires, and the basis for them. This may be more common among women, because of the cultural and sexual shame that we put on women surrounding sexual desire. However, I have met many men who struggle with this as well.
I encourage people to write out narrative of their peak sexual desires. Many feel ashamed of even writing it down. This is something that you can share with your partner if you want. It’s more important that you have this just for your own awareness. This gives you an opportunity to identify what needs to be shared with your partner, and what you want to keep in fantasy or private.
As you can see, sexual relationships are about delicate communication between people. When things are struggling, this can put a lot of emphasis on your partner. It’s important to talk with your partner, but it’s also important to have a sense of personal responsibility over your own sexual desire as well. Without this, you can be left feeling lonely and frustrated. Even worse, you can feel trapped, with nowhere to turn.
If you’re struggling to identify what you want (which is more common than you might think), you can seek out a sex therapist who can help you unpack this. Therapists who are have experience working with sexual issues can help you identify what you want, and the best ways to go about communicating this.
