When Anger Is Really About Hurt: Learning to Let Go Without Losing Yourself
Anger can be a tricky feeling to understand. It can show up anywhere — at home, at work, or with the people you care about most. Sometimes it’s obvious, and sometimes it hides underneath frustration, guilt, or even sadness.
For many people, anger is a signal that something deeper needs attention. Maybe you’re tired of being hurt or misunderstood. Maybe you’ve been giving more than you get back. Or maybe you’ve been holding resentment for years without realizing how heavy it’s become.
Anger is your way of recognizing that something isn’t working. It’s a signal that something needs to change — maybe a boundary, a pattern, or an expectation. Once you see anger as information instead of a flaw, you can start responding differently instead of getting stuck in the same reactions.
Anger Isn’t Always What You Might Think It Should Look Like
Anger itself isn’t bad and you’re not bad for having the feeling. It’s protective. It tells us, “Something isn’t fair,” or “This crossed a line” or “a boundary.” In that way, it’s helpful because it helps you speak up, set limits, and take care of yourself.
However, when you don’t understand the things causing your anger, you might start having more problems in your life. When you don’t understand what’s behind the feeling, you might notice problems like you’re snapping at people you care about, zoning out when your partner talks, or building walls that make connection harder. You might start complaining about your partner or friends with resentment. Or you might find that you start acting passive-aggressively.
Men can often struggle to deal with feelings like sadness without relying on anger. However, the feeling can impact everyone.
For a lot of people, especially those taught to “stay strong” or “hold it together,” anger becomes a mask for everything else. Underneath it, you’ll often find sadness, grief, disappointment, or shame.
Here’s the part most people don’t realize: once you can recognize anger as a form of protection instead of a personality flaw, you can start figuring out what it’s been protecting. That’s where change begins.
How Resentment Builds Over Time
Anger can feel like a wave, but resentment is what happens when that wave never washes all the problems ashore.
You might tell yourself, “I’m over it.” But then something familiar happens, and all the old hurt comes rushing back. That’s resentment’s trick — it hides until it’s triggered, and then it floods your system.
Resentment grows when repair doesn’t happen. When someone never apologizes, when you don’t feel heard, or when you’ve learned to minimize your needs to keep the peace, the negative feelings build. Over time, that buildup turns into emotional armor. You stay safe, but it starts costing you connection and closeness.
Most people who come to therapy for anger can name one or two relationships that still feel unfinished — a parent, an ex, or someone who just didn’t show up when it mattered. Naming that hurt is the first step to releasing it. Healing after betrayal or unresolved pain can take time, but it’s possible.
When Anger Becomes a Shield
Many of us learn early to protect ourselves with anger. If you’ve ever been rejected, cheated on, or disappointed by someone you trusted, it makes sense that you’d build a shield. This is especially common when trust has been broken or when betrayal runs deep.
That shield might look like humor that cuts a little too deep, a quick temper, or pulling away before people can hurt you. Sometimes it shows up as perfectionism — if you can do everything right, maybe you won’t have to feel the sting of disappointment again.
Here’s the problem: that same shield that once kept you safe can start keeping you stuck. You can’t fully block pain without also blocking love, trust, and connection.
Learning to lower that shield doesn’t mean letting people walk all over you. It means learning that you can protect yourself and stay open at the same time.
When Anger and Identity Collide
For many people in the LGBTQ+ community, anger and resentment can carry an extra layer — the pain of not being fully accepted for who you are.
Coming out can be freeing, but it can also stir up grief and anger. There might be anger toward family members who didn’t understand, or friends who quietly faded away. There might be sadness over lost time — years spent pretending, or relationships that never got the chance to be honest.
Even if you’ve built a good life and a supportive community now, that early pain can still echo. It can show up in the way you respond to rejection, conflict, or intimacy. It’s not weakness — it’s a reminder of how hard it was to learn that being yourself could come at a cost.
That’s why self-compassion is so important. Anger and resentment make sense, but they don’t have to define you. Healing means acknowledging those old wounds without letting them decide what you deserve now.
And while this experience can be especially strong for queer and trans people, everyone knows the feeling of wanting to be accepted — and the pain that comes when you’re not. The work of healing anger is the same: learning to make peace with yourself, so that the past doesn’t keep shaping your future. LGBTQ+ affirming therapy can help people explore that pain in a safe, affirming way.
What’s Beneath the Anger
When clients tell me they’re angry all the time, I often ask, “If anger could speak for you, what would it say?”
- Sometimes it says, “I’m tired of being let down.”
- Sometimes it says, “I’m scared to need anyone.”
- Sometimes it says, “I’m still hurt by people who were supposed to love me.”
- And sometimes it says, “I’m angry at myself for how long I stayed quiet.”
When you can name what’s underneath, whether it’s disappointment, grief, or fear, the anger loses some of its control. It doesn’t mean those feelings go away overnight, but now you’re dealing with the real emotion instead of just the reaction.
That’s what therapy often focuses on: learning to see the pattern, catch it earlier, and practice responding differently.
Steps Toward Healing Anger and Resentment
There’s no quick fix, but small changes make a big difference. Here are some steps you can start practicing today.
1. Notice What Triggers You
Pay attention to when irritation shows up. Is it around certain people, topics, or situations? Does it happen when you feel dismissed, controlled, or ignored? Awareness is the first step toward choice.
2. Learn the Difference Between Boundaries and Walls
Boundaries protect your peace. Walls keep everyone out. If you catch yourself thinking, “I don’t let anyone in anymore,” it might be time to check whether that’s keeping you safe or keeping you stuck.
3. Speak From the Hurt Instead of the Heat
When anger flares up, your instinct might be to snap, withdraw, or shut down. Try pausing long enough to name the feeling underneath. Say, “I felt hurt when you didn’t follow through,” instead of, “You never care.” It’s a small shift, but it creates room for repair instead of more conflict.
4. Let Go of Old Stories
Old beliefs can keep resentment alive. Stories like “My parents will never change,” “I’m unlovable,” or “Anger is the only thing that makes me strong” keep you tied to the past. Letting go doesn’t mean pretending those things didn’t hurt — it means choosing not to let them run your life anymore.
5. Forgive Without Forgetting
Forgiveness doesn’t mean letting someone back in or pretending everything’s okay. It means deciding not to carry their actions inside you any longer. You can forgive and still protect yourself differently next time. Forgiveness is for you, not them.
6. Reclaim Joy and Connection
Anger takes up space that joy could fill. Start reconnecting with people and activities that remind you who you are outside of pain — laughter, music, creativity, community, or quiet time. These are the things that make healing real and sustainable.
Where to go from here?
You don’t have to be “an angry person.” You’re probably someone who has been hurt, disappointed, or betrayed, or even maybe more than once.
Anger is one way your body protects that pain, but it doesn’t have to be the only way. With the right tools and support, you can learn new ways to respond, rebuild trust, and create the kind of relationships that actually feel good to be in.
Therapy for relationships, anxiety, depression, and even trauma therapy can help with that process. Whether you’re carrying resentment from old relationships, struggling after betrayal, or just tired of feeling on edge, it’s never too late to start changing the pattern.
You deserve peace. You deserve relationships that feel safe. And you deserve to live a life that’s not defined by old hurts, but guided by who you want to become.
Understanding “The Four Horsemen” and the Relationship Problems They Cause
No relationship is perfect. Different personalities come into play. Arguments happen. Things go up and down. But, conflicts don’t generally destroy a relationship. So, what does?
Relationship expert John Gottman has an uncanny “knack” for predicting divorce—with 93% accuracy. However, Gottman isn’t just good at reading people. He uses four relationship failure markers, often known as “The Four Horsemen.”
While the name itself might not seem so threatening, The Four Horsemen are critical components that cause a relationship to break down. These elements can also lead to a higher risk of divorce in married couples.
So, what are The Four Horsemen? The more you understand about these issues, the easier it can be to face them head-on, and get help when your relationship needs it.
What Are The Four Horsemen?
According to Gottman, The Four Horsemen are:
- Criticism – It’s not uncommon for couples to point out unwanted behavior during conflicts. But, criticism is usually an attack on someone’s personality or character, rather than specific actions. If it becomes a frequent pattern, it can chip away at the strength of a relationship.
- Defensiveness – While defensiveness may not seem troubling, it makes it easy to tune out what your partner is saying. When they don’t feel fully heard, it breaks down communication in your relationship, which is essential for stability and growth.
- Contempt – Contempt and disrespect tend to go hand-in-hand. When you show contempt for your partner, they could feel as though you’re looking down on them.
- Stonewalling – Sometimes, it might seem easier to just “ignore” your problems as a couple and become nonresponsive to what your partner has to say. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, stressed, or angry, it’s okay to take a step back and find time to cool off. But, stonewalling your partner and essentially ignoring them will only make problems worse. Stonewalling takes you out of the relationship and suggests you’re not willing to work on it.
Key Communication Skills to Help Your Relationship Succeed
You’ve probably heard before that communication is the key to any successful relationship. While that’s true, that doesn’t mean it’s an easy “key” to follow.
The reality is, everyone has different ways of communicating. When your communication style doesn’t easily gel with that of your partner’s, it can create some bumps in your relationship.
Thankfully, there are strategies you can put into practice. Not only will these strategies improve the way you communicate, but they can even improve your relationship.
1. Listen Closely and Actively
When most people think about communication, they think about talking and expressing themselves. But, a huge part of communicating (especially in a relationship) is listening.
That means more than just hearing the things your partner says. It means practicing active listening. Show them that you’re engaged. Asked questions. Respond to the things they’re saying.
Not only will you learn more about your partner and your relationship by actively listening, but you’ll let them know that you truly care about them and what they have to say. This simple change in the way you listen can positively impact your level of trust in the relationship.
2. Don’t Make Assumptions
When there is a lack of communication in a relationship, it makes it easy to assume things. Unfortunately, assumptions typically aren’t all that positive. When you try to guess or assume what your partner is thinking or feeling, it could lead to resentment, arguments, or worse.
If you feel like something is going on with your partner, ask them about it. If something is weighing on you, tell them about it.
The secrets you keep in your relationship don’t have to be glaring and obvious for them to do some damage. Be open and honest, and don’t assume your partner feels a certain way without asking them.
3. Check In with Them
It’s easy to get caught up in the stress and schedules of everyday life. Things might seem like they’re okay because you’re following the same routine you always do. But, that isn’t always the case.
So, it’s a good idea to check in with your partner from time to time. Ask them how their day is going. Ask them how their week has been going. Or, ask them how they feel about your relationship at any given time.
If they’re not happy with something, they’ll be appreciative that you’re asking. From there, you can talk it out and work out any bumps in the road before they become bigger issues for you as a couple.
A check-in only takes a few minutes, and it can have a big impact on how openly you’re willing to communicate with each other.
4. Show Gratitude
Here’s a simple one: When was the last time you said “thank you” to your partner?
Gratitude can have a huge impact on your relationship, and it’s a positive way of communicating. Did your spouse bring you a cup of coffee this morning? Did they pick the kids up from school? Are you just grateful for their presence? Let them know!
Showing gratitude not only helps to boost the confidence of your partner, but it can motivate them to show gratitude toward you, too.
5. Focus On Timing
One of the problems some couples face when it comes to communicating is not timing things out correctly. You don’t necessarily need to pencil your partner into your schedule when you want to have a conversation. But, if you need to talk about something serious, it shouldn’t be as you’re driving with them to work, or when you’re watching your favorite television show.
You should have time specifically set aside for your relationship, and communication. Avoid distractions when you’re actively communicating with your partner about something important, so you both can feel connected to each other.
Is Your Relationship in Danger?
It’s important to understand that most relationships will experience one or more of these issues on occasion. You’re only human, and it’s easy to fall into bad habits or let behaviors get the best of you from time to time.
The difference is how often it happens. When these behaviors occur on occasion, it’s nothing to worry about. You should be aware of them, and try to “catch” yourself when you let one (or more) slip into a conflict with your partner.
The more aware you are of the issues, the less likely you’ll be to fall back on them frequently. However, when they become frequent and persistent, it could be a clear sign that your relationship is in trouble.
What Can I Do to Save My Relationship?
If you find that you and your partner engage in these behaviors frequently, the best thing you can do is seek professional help for your relationship.
The problem is that these aren’t effective ways to communicate. As stated above, without healthy communication, it’s hard for a relationship to last. Learning how to communicate with one another and understanding each other’s specific communication styles can make a big difference. Counseling can help.
If you’re in the Dallas area and looking for a therapist to help with anger and resentment, contact me today to learn more about how I can help.
