The Hidden Harm of Covert Sexual Abuse
Whether it’s in trauma therapy or sex addiction recovery , one of the most common things that is in our clients’ backgrounds is sexual abuse. When we think of sexual abuse, it can seem pretty obvious what this entails. Overt abuse involves the actual physical violation of another person. However, covert abuse can impact many people, without them realizing that this has happened. Covert abuse is the objectification of children by their parents, as well as a lack of boundaries. Children in these situations are turned into surrogate partners of a parent.
People who have experienced covert abuse can struggle in their adult relationships. They can struggle to get close with another person. Fears of connection and vulnerability are common as well. This is because that person has already been taken advantage of.
Covert abuse comes from childhood attachment between a parent and the child. A parent may treat a child as an adult friend or confidant. Parents who do this also will often objectify and can even put their codependent relationship dynamics onto a child.
Parents who do this can also be void of boundaries on sexuality. They will talk to their child about sex. They can share information about their sex life or cross sexual boundaries that aren’t age appropriate for that child (i.e. joking about sex as if the child is actually an adult). Children need room to develop their own sexuality, but in these situations there can be little room for it to grow, because there is only room left for the parent’s sexuality.
What’s the point of identifying covert abuse?
I want to tread carefully here. Searching for potentially traumatic incidents can lead to even more trauma. So I want you to be careful if you’re reading this and re-examining your own life. If you do identify this type of abuse in your history, it may be time to find a good therapist or group to help you navigate through this.
Covert abuse can be important to identify because it can be a root cause of many interpersonal issues. For example, because boundaries were so violated as a child, it can make adult boundaries in romantic relationships confusing. Sometimes these boundaries can even be confusing in friendships. It can be difficult to know how vulnerable you should allow yourself to become.
People’s boundary systems can go awry when they’ve dealt with these types of relationships with their parents. It can be hard to know how close you can safely get with a partner or even a friend. Children who have been covertly abused were used by their parents. As adults, sometimes this can lead to relationships where you’re used again. Other times it can be avoidance of relationships to avoid ever being used in this way again. There are also people who go back and forth in these relationship patterns.
Another thing that is common is that people self-deprecate their struggles. They feel as though they shouldn’t be having struggles because they don’t believe they ever dealt with any type of traumatic experiences. Identifying this type of abuse can be a struggle. It can even be heartbreaking. However, people also can find validation in being able to own this part of their stories, which allows them to redevelop boundary systems. It also helps people identify where they want to brave getting vulnerable again.
And yes, men deal with it too.
Men will often ignore the impact of their pasts. This is even more common with covert abuse. If you’re struggling with getting close with partners. Or you’re only getting into relationships that involve intensity, it could be worth learning into your past. Just because you experience these types of relationships doesn’t mean that you’ve dealt with covert abuse. However, it could be a source of the problems that you’re having with romance, passion, and connection.
I’ve also worked with many men who will struggle with random, extreme frustration that seems to “come out of nowhere.” This is often when their internal boundary systems are feeling crossed.
Covert Abuse: Recognizing and Understanding its Impact
When someone hears the word “abuse”, typically their mind jumps to hitting, punching, or some other form of physical boundary violation. However, studies are finding that abuse covers a much broader spectrum than just physical or sexual trauma. Covert abuse is understood as putting a child in an adult situation by a parent or parental figure as the child is expected to adapt at an adult level. This is exhibited in such ways as a child witnessing their parents arguing or physically harming each other at very young ages, a parent telling their child disparaging things about their other parent, or children being put down by their caregivers in an emotionally manipulative way.
Children who are abused in these situations typically grow into adults suffering from sex addiction, love addiction, alcohol and drug abuse, and potentially victims or perpetrators of domestic violence. These harmful and volatile patterns we might have learned growing up have bled into our adult lives and how we view trusting others in partnerships, both romantically and not. However we may have been affected by these patterns, we ourselves are traumatized. Covert abuse in childhood leads to adult trauma and can greatly impact our mental health and overall well-being.
Other forms of covert emotional abuse include:
- Gaslighting: making the person being gaslit think something is different than they actually experienced it.
Example: “Something must be wrong with your memory because I never said that!” - Minimizing: making someone feel inadequate or unworthy based merely on how they are
feeling
Example: “I don’t know why you’re feeling that way, you didn’t have it that bad!” - Intimidation: using threatening language to reinforce a sense of control by the parent through invoking fear.
Example: “I will wear your butt out if you do not do what I say right now!”
Did any of the above mentioned forms or examples of covert emotional abuse hit home? Have you experienced some form or another of these from your parents or members of your family? As someone who practices family therapy , I am here to tell you that while these may be huge revelations about your past, your current partnerships and the way you love and receive love might have been impacted by these behaviors that you learned indirectly from your family.
These forms of abuse are very common, and it is important to know that if you do come from a homelife where these kinds of patterns were present, they only recently began to be recognized as abusive.
If you feel that these very impactful forms of abuse have in some way impeded your mental health, it is necessary to seek counseling. If we do not fully understand how the negative messages of love from our parents are affecting our current behavior in relationships, it could be very harmful in the future.
Turning The Tides:
- Give yourself permission to separate: It is perfectly natural to feel some forms of resentment toward the parents or other caregivers who have inflicted these patterns upon us. It can be helpful to give yourself permission to temporarily separate yourself from them if you feel the resentment could potentially pile up.
- Understanding that they did not know any better: It may help to tell yourself that though abuse may have happened to you, our family did the best that they could with what they knew how to do (of course it does not excuse the abuse or how you have been traumatized).
- Going to individual counseling: Finding a counselor who works with past covert abuse as well as covert trauma can be very helpful if you are realizing you are uncovering some childhood wounds as an adult.
- Going to family therapy: Going into family therapy makes the most of a safe space where unmet needs, prior abusive situations, and past wounds can have an opportunity to heal. This will not only help the person on the receiving end of the abuse, but it will have a long-lasting positive impact on the family dynamic as a whole.
How do you fix this?
The first step to fixing anything is identifying it for what it was. In order to change boundary systems, you have to be able to identify where lines were crossed. This will help you become more mindful about what you’re experiencing in your current relationships.
I recommend that you slow down in your current relationship interactions and give yourself time and space as needed. When you’re responding to past abuse, you’re at risk of becoming reactive to situations. You need to give yourself time and space to become grounded, so that you can deal with your partner in the present. This can take a lot of practice.
You’ll also need to learn to offer yourself the care-taking that you missed out on as a child. Learn to support yourself emotionally, and validate your right to boundaries.
It may also be important to find a trauma therapist to help you navigate through your past if you continue to get stuck.
If you’re looking for a therapist to help with sexual abuse, please feel free to contact us today.
